I skived off work today. I was tired and sad and I finally gave in and didn't make myself go to work. I don't think Elaine will approve. But I thought - I'm tired and I have an involved and busy weekend ahead - I'm not going to be fit for anything if I start tired. So I justified it to myself and stayed home. In the afternoon I went back to bed and had a nap. It was odd - I haven't been in bed like that since chemo-days. I have to say, I have a funny relationship with bed now - I do remember and associate it a bit too much with feeling sick, with being sick, with being in pain,... with having cancer.
And at the moment I am feeling even more consumed by the past. It is a about 2 weeks short of a year since I finished my treatment for cancer and I am acting like it was yesterday. I feel ashamed that I am not 'better' - not a better person for not being able to put this down and get on with life. Like a part of me is hanging on to this. But I do feel so sad - you know, that stomach-aching sad; that bottomless pit sad; that weighed-down sad.
And I have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to get to this selection weekend and I haven't finished packing - I have done some, which is good, but not all.
I don't think I'm ever going to feel better.