Friday, November 17, 2006

Down we go again...

I skived off work today. I was tired and sad and I finally gave in and didn't make myself go to work. I don't think Elaine will approve. But I thought - I'm tired and I have an involved and busy weekend ahead - I'm not going to be fit for anything if I start tired. So I justified it to myself and stayed home. In the afternoon I went back to bed and had a nap. It was odd - I haven't been in bed like that since chemo-days. I have to say, I have a funny relationship with bed now - I do remember and associate it a bit too much with feeling sick, with being sick, with being in pain,... with having cancer.

And at the moment I am feeling even more consumed by the past. It is a about 2 weeks short of a year since I finished my treatment for cancer and I am acting like it was yesterday. I feel ashamed that I am not 'better' - not a better person for not being able to put this down and get on with life. Like a part of me is hanging on to this. But I do feel so sad - you know, that stomach-aching sad; that bottomless pit sad; that weighed-down sad.
And I have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to get to this selection weekend and I haven't finished packing - I have done some, which is good, but not all.
I don't think I'm ever going to feel better.


kim said...

I think you will feel better eventually. I may be overstepping my bounds, but have you looked into any support groups? Maybe it would help to know that the things you are feeling are also being felt by others who went through similar experiences?

laurie said...

Please, please don't compound the lousiness of this whole cancer experience by beating yourself up for not being 'over it'. Having cancer sucks. The treatment is horrific. And it takes time to get over the trauma (both physical and emotional). Speaking for myself, I'm sure a part of me will always grieve the things cancer changed and took away.
That doesn't mean that there isn't lots to celebrate in life. But it also doesn't mean we are weak or malingering on the days we need to 'wallow.'