Thursday, February 26, 2009

Set condition 2 throughout the ship

Hello - apparently I am a huge drama queen who should just stop whining.....
I still entirely blame February.
There will be a CT scan in the next month or so to check the state of the lungs. The Princess Oncologist was unimpressed with pain in the shoulder and didn't even want to look at it.
The lymphoedema massage was painful.
You know people sometimes refer to 'good' pain? Well, this wasn't that. It was "owowowowowowowow please stop" type of pain. It was pain that means some of the lymph fluid was moving but under no definition was it 'good'. I hope the *consequence* of it will be good - but I've got another 3 sessions yet and the pain itself? Crap.
The oncology clinic seems to have tapped into my psyche. Last week I sobbed at the Dear Other that I didn't think I could stand to sit in that corridor one more time, I hated it and I didn't want to go there ever again. When we arrived at the clinic yesterday there were signs indicating that we needed to follow the arrows elsewhere. Lo! And Behold! The clinic has moved to their new home (which has been on the cards for nearly a year, I think). But I didn't! I didn't have to sit in that corridor! Or go in that office where I've kept hearing bad news! I never have to go in there again!! They fulfilled my wish of not having to go there again. The relief! They celebrated by making me wait for my 11.30am appointment until 12.45pm.......sigh. Some things *don't* change. The new clinic has windows! (The view is crap, but, daylight!) And a waiting area that isn't a corridor! And is shared with cardiology - so rather elderly people keep shuffling in and out.....perhaps it was just Elderly People Day because I'm sure heart conditions apply to many age groups.....
So, I survived for another 6 weeks. Then there will be Results and far more of a likelihood of Change.
Thank you all who rooted for good news. I think you swung it. Especially those of you who crept out of the woodwork and especially those who root all the time and say so. I appreciate you all. I really, really do.
Roll on March.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Poke, poke, poke

I have this pain in my thigh. Sort of pokey. Very localised. About 6cm in diameter. It's worse at night, especially when I lie down. Goes on pretty much all night. And it makes me want to stab it with a very sharp, pointy knife.
Probably on the basis that the new pain would detract from the original pain.
The only thing that makes it go away is the Co-dydramol but when the rest of me isn't in pain I'm not taking it because I have a 6cm patch on pain in my thigh. That's ridiculous.
However, do not be surprised if you catch me thumping my own leg saying things like "Just fuck off!"

Sunday, February 22, 2009

February blues

Hello, it's February.
It's always bad in February - see previous Februarys.
Same thing - bit worse.
I am mostly coping by putting my head down and forging towards March. There will be a slight hiccup on Wednesday because I can't ignore or avoid the Princess Oncologist. I am fearing bad news. I am always fearing bad news. But this time I think there are some nodes in my neck that weren't there before. And my shoulder is looking scary. I thought for ages it was lymphoedema - which it still may be, partially or entirely - but there's now a distinct bump at the front......
I think this may be my last year. And I fear that thinking it will make it so. So I try not to think it. Which is hard to achieve. I didn't really believe that 32 would be it. I still don't but it's starting to feel a bit like it. This is Not Enough. 32 years is Not Enough.
I am very, very frightened. Not of being dead. Of the dying. I am too vain to die. You look crap and death-y for ages leading up to it. I'm not up for that. Plus, you know, being in pain and fear and sadness.
February, hurry up and leave. I hate you and you make me totally unsettled.

Friday, February 06, 2009

The pincushion

This afternoon at the Haven I was putting my coat on to leave when I realised something was poking me in the side of my was an acupuncture needle that accidentally got left in......whoops.

Today I had 2 needles in the tops of my feet, 2 in my lower legs, 1 on my inner left wrist, 1 in each shoulder, 2 around my collarbones, 1 either side of my nose and 1 on the top of my head. Freaky, eh? I try mostly not to think too much about blurby energy routes etc. but I have felt some funny sensations - jumping nerves, tingling and then one moment of panicky-ness. Which I thought was to do with the fact I had needles either side of my nostrils but in acupuncture terms is something more to do with having a needle in your wrist on your heart-kidney line/link/thing. I, apparently, am a heart/heat/fire person and my problems with hot flushes/lymph swelling/panic are to do with my heart/heat being too active and it needs to connect more with my dehydrated kidneys......

This is why I don't listen very much to this. But, he oddly did make me feel better, feel a bit more connected today. So, I'll take it - heart and kidneys? Are you listening? Kindly connect. Sharpish.

It does leave me feeling stiffish and tired.....