Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Where's autumn gone?

It's 5.30pm and pitchy black out, now that the clocks have changed for winter. It's at times like these that I wish I had a quilt under my desk so I could curl up and not have to get home in the dark. To be truthful - it's unseasonably warm, so it could be worse - although, of course, my perception of temperature is less than reliable....so maybe it's freezing really....
The leaves are clinging on to the trees for dear life but the wind today has made some of them start to fall. Quite a few are still spring-green though. I've been enjoying the cooler weather too - cooler nights and that nice cool when I step out of the door in the morning.
There were no conkers on the tree at the back of my flats this year - the heat of the summer meant that they didn't mature properly.
Do you know what a conker is?

The fruit of the horse chestnut tree - their prickly shells are in direct opposition to their shiny, smooth surfaces. And each year I collect a few and carry them in coat pockets because I love to feel the smoothness of them. When they first come down they're really shiny and smooth and as they dry out they crinkle and shrivel. But I don't have any this year.
I did have an acorn for a while, but it didn't last as well as a conker....
Even though it's rained quite a bit recently there isn't that damp, autumn feel. I wish I could capture that smell and feel to share it with you. The smell of woodland decay - leaves and barks and seeds gently settling for the winter, and yet - the result of that decay will be ready to feed the new growth in the spring. It's sad; I oddly miss cold winters and damp and dreary days - is the world dying? It's changing, that's for sure - in so many ways - I've changed, but it's changing too. I worry about what we're doing to the world - yet here I sit at my computer, consuming electricity and metals and plastics that will kill the world a little bit more. Will the world and I go down together? It's odd - I sit here and sometimes think that it would be better if we had never gone down this path of consumerism, of great technology - the search for new and bigger and better and how and why - that the simple life was better. But, of course, without all of that - or at least some of that - I would have died from cancer and wouldn't be here to think those thoughts.


Monday, October 30, 2006


So, I guess I'm feeling down again. When I force myself to have a 'good' day the result is a relapse into misery for longer than I felt vaguely cheerful.....
Blah - if I post this every day then you'll never stop by.
How about if I bribe you with the rest of the story of last year? No, that'll probably put you off even more!
Don't forget to say 'hello!'
I know if you did or not! ;)

Sunday, October 29, 2006


In the summer I agreed to go as a leader on a trip to Peru - I was scared stiff by the idea but I thought that I needed to do something that scared me. Something daring, something to prove I could do things, to prove that cancer hadn't got the better of me.
Now I am starting to wish I hadn't agreed.
I am not getting less scared, I am getting more scared. I'm scared that something terrible will happen, that someone will get sick, that I'll get sick, that we'll all have travellers guts, that I'll screw it up and the consequences will be bad.
I am scared stiff and I just want to pull out.

I'm also scared that I've tempted fate - that cancer will rear its ugly head again because it knows that it'll screw up everything......

I'm scared: as ever
Because I'm scared of everything.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Say 'hello'

Won't you say 'hello'?
If you're the person visiting from BCC or Westminster, or indeed, anywhere - won't you say 'hello'?
I promise not to bite - I'm just interested to know who you are....

And if you've landed here because you've done a google search for 'portocath' - read on - in fact, I'll label those posts tomorrow so they're more easily found. I have a portocath, it's great, it wasn't trouble-free to start with but it made chemo a lot easier to stand. And you can say 'hello' if you'd like to; or just know that if you did, I'd be thinking of you.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Letting go?

Have I let go a little?
Have I let go of the surgery, of the chemotherapy - has the fact that they are over a year ago now meant that I can let go a little?
I am mourning so much - I feel totally screwed up. I'm working on it but as I delve deeper and deeper, I am more and more aware of how much work I have to do.....

National Blog Posting Month

Think I can do it?? Would you like me to do it? I am the Little Engine That Could. Or might. Or will you be saying 'shut up, shut up, shut up' within a few days! ;)

Raise money!

Oh, and crap, I forgot the most important thing and that is:

The Great South Run

Sarah was my partner in chemo-crime last year and she can run, and I? I can not. So she ran the Great South Run (10 miles) with 2 friends to raise money for Breakthrough Breast Cancer - you can still sponsor her - they're about £10 from their target of £1,500 (a bit under $3000).
Please help her to surpass her target and HELP PEOPLE WITH BREAST CANCER - because you know you want to!

Thank you ::begging complete::

Tuesday, October 10, 2006


OK - this pink is seriously off-putting. I can't face writing because of all of it.....
It will change - soon. because I have the time to play with my blog...NOT.

God, I am just drowning at the moment.
My guide unit has dragged me through the mill and let me just say that I've spent far longer than I'd like in talking to girls parents about their behaviour and what is and is not acceptable. Scarier are the parents who encourage their daughters 'to stand up for themselves' - by shouting, swearing and physically threatening. AND I HATE IT! I hate trying to talk to people in situations like this and I hate what's going on because it involves bullying and that nasty snidey, sarky, snarky behaviour that girls can display. And it's hard to discipline that because they're not stupid enough to do it while I'm nearby. Who'd be 13 or 14 again? Not me, for sure!
Arrangements for Peru are doing my nut - we can't decide on accommodation, I can't arrange Travel Insurance until after the end of November so I can say that I'm a year out of treatment and it's just overwhelming - I'm increasingly thinking 'why am I doing this?' I keep reminding myself that it will be a fantastic experience and I'll enjoy it when I'm there but....
And I just spent a lovely weekend with a lovely friend who will have her first baby in about 3 weeks and I am so jealous and she's not even that excited or happy. So not fair.