In the summer I agreed to go as a leader on a trip to Peru - I was scared stiff by the idea but I thought that I needed to do something that scared me. Something daring, something to prove I could do things, to prove that cancer hadn't got the better of me.
Now I am starting to wish I hadn't agreed.
I am not getting less scared, I am getting more scared. I'm scared that something terrible will happen, that someone will get sick, that I'll get sick, that we'll all have travellers guts, that I'll screw it up and the consequences will be bad.
I am scared stiff and I just want to pull out.
I'm also scared that I've tempted fate - that cancer will rear its ugly head again because it knows that it'll screw up everything......
I'm scared: as ever
Because I'm scared of everything.