Sunday, August 21, 2005

What a to-do since I last posted....
I have since then:
- had an MRI
- been to Leeds and back

On Tuesday the appointment letter for the MRI arrived and they'd neatly ignored my request for the 7th or 8th of September and made it for August when I'm away. So I telephoned to say 'no can do' and the eventual upshot was having to rush in to have it done on Tuesday afternoon. David literally had time to drive down from Northampton to go with me (thankfully). I mean, I could have managed on my own, but I'd really rather not.
So we went and had it done - uneventful except for rather profuse bleeding after the nurse removed the cannula. I think I've probably got slightly low platelet count at the moment so it took a little longer then normal to clot. So I looked quite gory for a few minutes!! ::hee hee::
At least it's done and dusted and I don't have to think about it while I'm away. When I get back I'll just have to have the portocath flushed and then the silly pre-admission thang just before surgery.
So, Thursday we set out for Leeds from Northampton. On time. Unfortunately once we'd stopped at David's parents and at Sainsburys we were no longer on time and I had to call Vis and say not to wait for us for lunch. We got there at 2.30ish (I think). It's a nice house they have and you can see the airport from their front windows but fortunately they're not under the flight path so it's not too noisy.
Lovely meal in Horsforth at the Town Street Tavern - I had some delish duck, Greek salad and creme brulee (how the *%^& do you spell that?)
Picnic in Golden Acre the next day and I finally met Zoe - she's nearly a year old and has a lot more hair than me!!! :) But she's such a smiley, good natured sweetheart - I can see why her mama loves her to bits. Anyway, we had one incident of vomiting but that was it.... (that was her vomiting, not me - for a change!)
After the park we did a quick jaunt up to Otley Chevin - lovely, green and cool. I picked a sprig of heather to take home with me (for luck, or something).
Quiet night in, watched 'Hero' - I enjoyed it, David thought it was slow.
Last day in Leeds: took Vis for lunch and then stopped at m'dad's - grabbed some stuff to take home: mostly books (of course!) then drove back to Nptn.
Nice weekend - nice to see everyone. Cat, of course, showed me her scar- I hope mine heals as well. I don't usually scar badly so I hope it won't be too obvious (except in the really obvious, only one breast sort of way). Aber and other bits of Wales next: can't wait. Have to try and find a B&B in Aber first though: the folk we were going to stay with can't put us up after all.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


Scared this morning - I've been feeling discomfort in the left chest/breast - I think it's the portocath but I felt it this morning and it felt sort of hard. I didn't investigate too closely - I'm a scaredy-cat.

I just keep reminding myself that the Oncologist said that the chemotherapy would be stopping the cancer from spreading and growing anywhere else, as well as shrinking the existing tumor. And she's a big shot in her world - so she knows what she's talking about.
I wish the Surgeon had decided to take the portocath out though - I hate having foreign objects in my body - even if it did make the chemotherapy easier.

I don't know whether to panic and call Trish. I hate this. I so cannot cope with the fear and uncertainty, I mean, the rest of it is pretty shit too - but I really, really go into panic/worry mode when I'm not in control (and that includes knowledge).

I think it's probably being on my own in the flat for only the second time since February - nothing to take my mind off things - too much time to brood. Well, my dad gets back tonight on his way to the airport and then I'll be heading to Northampton tomorrow and off to see friends in Leeds on Thursday.


I feel like I'll never stop crying.

Counting the days

Well, here I venture tentatively into the world of blogs.
My friends in Chicago have started one to countdown the birth of their first baby; so shall I count down to the removal of my right breast? (26 days - wish I hadn't just counted to find out!)

I've been waiting for this for six months - that's what I call cruelty. Tell a girl she has cancer and has to have a breast removed and then make her wait six months while she gets pumped full of poison every three weeks. Well, she is me and that's exactly what I've been doing since February 23rd.

So, 26 days left to wear low cut tops and underwired bras - then, 'hello prosthesis' (well, eventually - have to wait for incisions to heal and radiotherapy to finish before that.) They have offered reconstruction - but since that seems to involve hacking bits of the muscle from my shoulder and then tunneling it under my arm to create the new breast; I'm not too keen. I think I'd prefer to keep the unscarred, intact parts of my body as they are, thanks.

I think I'd prefer to be in Chicago having a baby. This was not what I planned to do in my 28th year. (or is it my 29th year if I am already 28?)

Thank heaven that the hideous hot weather is holding off - I never thought I'd say that but the evil hot flushes (I hate chemotherapy!) do not mix well with temps above about 73 deg F. I am continuously taking off and putting on layers of clothing and at night I lie in bed waiting for the next whisp of breeze to come through the window. That and throwing the covers on and off every 10 minutes - I think my boyfriend is probably reeling with sleep deprivation by now.....
I have to say that the laptop on my lap ain't such a brilliant idea either (shouldn't have gone for the Inspiron) - but if I don't have it on my lap then I can't have my legs up on the desk and I'm a lazy so-and-so who likes to have her feet up (Hey, I can do what I like - I have cancer - are you going to tell me what to do?! ;O) There have to be some perks, right?)

So - what am I doing for my remaining 26 two-breast days?
Trips to Leeds, Aberystwyth and Shropshire to visit friends - hooray! Well, if you'd spent the last six months sitting around in London and Northampton under instructions to avoids crowds and ill people you'd think visiting those places was pretty exciting! No, to be fair, I am genuinely excited - the weirdness of Leeds - Leeds is weird because it's where I grew up and has completely changed in the intervening years and I can't wait to see some real hills and the sea!

Anyway, enough for now - time for another thrilling trip to Somerfield and, ooh! maybe the library.....
The fun never ends (except in 26 days)