Tuesday, August 16, 2005


Scared this morning - I've been feeling discomfort in the left chest/breast - I think it's the portocath but I felt it this morning and it felt sort of hard. I didn't investigate too closely - I'm a scaredy-cat.

I just keep reminding myself that the Oncologist said that the chemotherapy would be stopping the cancer from spreading and growing anywhere else, as well as shrinking the existing tumor. And she's a big shot in her world - so she knows what she's talking about.
I wish the Surgeon had decided to take the portocath out though - I hate having foreign objects in my body - even if it did make the chemotherapy easier.

I don't know whether to panic and call Trish. I hate this. I so cannot cope with the fear and uncertainty, I mean, the rest of it is pretty shit too - but I really, really go into panic/worry mode when I'm not in control (and that includes knowledge).

I think it's probably being on my own in the flat for only the second time since February - nothing to take my mind off things - too much time to brood. Well, my dad gets back tonight on his way to the airport and then I'll be heading to Northampton tomorrow and off to see friends in Leeds on Thursday.


I feel like I'll never stop crying.

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