Sunday, October 19, 2008

It's all *mine*!

Wah! Argh! Gnash!
They've given my desk to someone else.
At work.
When I last went in they had a temp at my desk; now it obviously has the stuff of one of the other permanent members of staff.
I cried and I still feel pretty damn sick about it. And I'm pissed off for caring about it so much; but I do.
I snuck in today while there would be noone around - and there wasn't fortunately.
I wanted *my* desk back.
Selfish perhaps - you can't really be away for over a year and expect them to preserve your place in exact stasis.
*why* do I have to *care*?
Hate. This.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Auf Deutsch - Updated

I'm not proposing to read for 24 hours but I am going to take up Sarah's mini-challenge. To read for an hour in a language foreign to me. So, I am going to see how much, if any, of the German I learnt is still in the memory banks!!!
Good old Projekt Gutenberg has provided me with a Sherlock Holmes translation: Das Diadem aus Beryll

So, I'll report back in an hour and let you know how I got on!

Well, I stared at German words for an hour.....let's say that I was able to get the gist of it but by no means an accurate picture of the story. I also didn't get very far :) I managed the direct speech better than the descriptive sections and apparently I remember very few verbs.... However I do still have a reasonable feel for sentence structure. So I have a feel for the, er, feel of the sentence; I simply don't understand every word! :) I helped myself along a bit by reading a paragraph or a few sentences if it was a long paragraph at a time and working out what I thought it meant and then comparing it with the English version on Project Gutenberg. Clever plan, eh? At least it meant I could check how I was doing and figure out any specific words that didn't make any sense to me. So, there we are - challenge met. At least I did my best. I obviously need to work a bit harder if I want to keep some semblance of German in my brain.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Deed done

Hair is straight. Hair is flat. Hair was attacked by straightening, things - whadjacallems.

It's still below my shoulders - so not *that* much was cut off it.
It has layers - I didn't think I'd have layers, coz, you know - fluffy hair and layers means *pouff*.

But actually, I think there will still be some curls when it *hasn't* been attacked by straightening things - and I won't be doing that because I'm lazy. I mean, I won't be doing that because that would cause the lymphoedema in my arm to flare up, I'm sure.....

I cried while it was cut; I cried after it was cut but mostly underneath the mane of hair whilst it was being cut; so it mostly didn't show.

I kept a few curls - you know - because. I needed to. I'm not sure why.

I cried because I looked a bit like I *used* to look - all that time ago. Apparently the curl will probably continue to grow out and it will go back to how it used to be. I'm sad about that.
But, as the hair came off I kept telling myself it was just change. Just more change. In a life that is full of change. With a person who hates and panics about change.
It's all about how we see ourselves in our mind's eye. And my mind's eye is confused. It sees the person I *was* - maybe it's a patchwork of many of the persons I have been.....and am. All I know is that I am surprised when I see myself in a mirror. That she is not who I am expecting.

Anyway, tis done. And I'm told it looks pretty good (but not so much in my webcam picture):
You're in luck: Sweet Camden Lass has a *much* better picture from yesterday. De voila!

Friday, October 10, 2008

To chop or not to chop....

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. The last time I had it cut was in February 2005, a week before my first AC chemo treatment. It's been growing since the end of 2008. It looks like this now:
And people keep saying how pretty it is, I shouldn't have it cut, etc, etc. Bit the truth is that I generally have it up 24 hours a day. I get too hot to have all that hair down my back - especially whilst I'm trying to sleep.
But I do think it's pretty - actually, despite all the time it took to get used to it; despite how hard I tried to *not* like it - I love my ringlets.
And I don't know what it will do if it's cut - will there still be ringlets? Or will they be gone? Maybe just wavy, or even straight again? I will be gutted if it doesn't curl like this again.
I 'joked' when all my hair fell out that I would shave my head every year to commemorate the whole ordeal but there was an essence of honesty there. I didn't want to get *attached* to have hair again. And, of course, it may go again if, oh, ok, when we get to the hardhitting chemos again. I don't want to die with no hair. I want you all to remember me as some Pre-Raphaelite, intriguing beauty..... with bounteous ringlets. OK? Is it a deal?
So, I don't know what I'm going to have done to it tomorrow. I keep warning people that I may just have a centimetre trimmed off it - I can't cope with expectations. But I just fear that I'm going to weep and weep as he cuts it. Not about having this hair cut off. Just, for everything. For the fact that I didn't cry last time. For the fact that it will go again one day. For everything. And I'm going to look like an insane-woman.... the dear Sweet Camden Lass will be there too - for moral support and mopping up duties in between having *her* hair cut and 'done'..... could be interesting for all.....
Please could I *not* be a wet, teary blanket in front of any more people I don't know.....I'd appreciate that.
Freebie photo:
My hair on a less attractive day on holiday in Scotland. Please allow your attention to be drawn to the owl, whose name I have forgotten. Sorry Mr. Wol....