Sunday, February 22, 2009

February blues

Hello, it's February.
It's always bad in February - see previous Februarys.
Same thing - bit worse.
I am mostly coping by putting my head down and forging towards March. There will be a slight hiccup on Wednesday because I can't ignore or avoid the Princess Oncologist. I am fearing bad news. I am always fearing bad news. But this time I think there are some nodes in my neck that weren't there before. And my shoulder is looking scary. I thought for ages it was lymphoedema - which it still may be, partially or entirely - but there's now a distinct bump at the front......
I think this may be my last year. And I fear that thinking it will make it so. So I try not to think it. Which is hard to achieve. I didn't really believe that 32 would be it. I still don't but it's starting to feel a bit like it. This is Not Enough. 32 years is Not Enough.
I am very, very frightened. Not of being dead. Of the dying. I am too vain to die. You look crap and death-y for ages leading up to it. I'm not up for that. Plus, you know, being in pain and fear and sadness.
February, hurry up and leave. I hate you and you make me totally unsettled.

5 comments:

Deadly Knitshade said...

You've kicked arse this far, brave lady. Just because Febs are normally rubbish doesn't mean this one will be. I'm sending you all my good thoughts on a manky London carrier pigeon. Those pigeons might not look much but they're reliable beasts. Take care. Lauren x

Sweet Camden Lass said...

*hug* February is nearly over. The daffs are coming out (I got a bunch from the flower stall by the station, and the ones in the park are coming up). March is much betterer.

Will do something useful about arranging tea to celebrate the End of February.

All relevant appendages crossed for Wednesday.
~x~

Ciorstaidh said...

{{{hugs}}}

If it is to be, then we will make it enough. But everything is crossed that you're right and it's an edema and the news is generally GOOD.

Happy news? It's March on Sunday.

lyon23girl said...

This winter's been particularily rough. I can't wait for the fist signs of spring. The weather really does make a big difference and a blue sky and some sunshine is definitely in order. I'm crossing fingers for you and hoping that what's troubling you is only edema.

*Sending positive thoughts your way*

titan said...

*hugs* from across the pond.