Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Air and share

I read M. Kennedy's 'Pep Talk' earlier today and blithely thought 'I'm not having trouble thinking of things to write' - but now I've sat down to it; actually, I'm not full of ideas.

I've been looking at my stats recently and I am saddened by the number of people who come to my site by searching for information about portacaths. So many of them stop by and read a few pages and then disappear without commenting. And to each one of them I want to be able to say 'I'm so sorry' that you're in a situation where you need a portacath. I don't want people to have to go through the kinds of things I went through andI wish you would say something so I could know something about you - because otherwise my imagination fills in the blanks.

I 'met' another BC blogger today - Laurie - and I flicked through a few pages at the start of her blog when I wasn't working today. And, as so often, reading her diagnosis story reduced me to tears. And I was interested that she, like me, had written a post about what and what not to say to someone with cancer. I suppose it's not that surprising - it is hard to say the right thing and sometimes there isn't a right thing; but.....interesting. As I say to people I meet who've had breast cancer - I wish I didn't have this in common with you; I wish I hadn't met you because I wish that neither of us had had to go through what we have. But we have. And I'm very grateful to Kim for her comments and her insistance that I am a strong person. I find it hard to see that because I'm the one wallowing in my own head; and I am wallowing at the moment, I am overwhelmed by myself and lost in myself. I'll get out of it - I think Elaine's hope is rubbing off on me; I really do believe I will - but I think it's going to take a while.


Kim said...

Sometimes, you just have to trust that what others say is true, even if you can't believe it yourself right now.
I think grieving takes time and energy, but do your very best to not let it get the better of you. Take time out when you are feeling down to do something to make yourself feel happier or do something to take your mind off your grief. The smallest of steps can make the world of difference.

I'm cheering you on!

Donna said...

Sepha - You ARE strong and my hat is off to you. You are doing the things that I want to do, (and can't seem to find the energy for) publishing your thoughts and experiences for the benefit of the rest of us.

People say that I am young to have this disease (46), but every day I see women in their 20's and 30's who are fighting this and it breaks my heart.

I stumbled upon your site when I searched on "pain from portocath", because after three months this thing is still very sore. I wish that no one ever needed these things, but I know that with this disease the alternatives are worse, so I will keep it for a while.

So far I seem to be winning at this game. I have learned so much from all the women who have been through this before me and with me, and so my hope for my future is to use what knowledge and experience I have gained in a similar manner.

my best to you, Donna