After a couple of nights sleeping pretty well I was back to the not being able to sleep thing.
I think I was just feeling a bit down yesterday - we had dinner with my great-aunt and I felt a bit on display. You know, the kind of having to prove that you're doing OK. Regardless. Because I don't want her to know that I'm not. Or something. I don't know.
Then I was watching the DVD footage from the Peru trip in the summer - which was nice, but sad too. I watched myself and was amazed at how 'together' and confident I appeared. Relaxed even when I was scared out of my wits. I watched myself leading our final round-up - asking the girls to reflect on their experiences - trying to make sure we all went home with good feelings about the trip and I thought I was pretty damn good. I remembered why I came home feeling so much more positive about myself. I can't tap into it; but I can see why and where that came from. That woman seems completely different.
I find it had to reconcile all those different 'me's'. I'm starting to feel that it's probably normal. We're probably all different in different circumstances but I find that confuses me because I'm not sure who the 'real' me is. Am I the competent, successful, caring, understanding person? Or am I the distraught, ill, confused person? Both, of course. But how do I balance those? How can I be both in one person?