Saturday, November 24, 2007

Baby, when you're gone.....

I've been finding myself feeling a bit panic-y whilst I've been here. I keep seeing photos of myself - graduation photos, baby photos etc and I think it makes me realise that I will be missed when I'm no longer here. And that makes me feel terrible. It makes me feel so guilty that I will cause people to mourn; to feel so terribly sad. Perhaps that seems odd - perhaps it seems a bit big-headed. But it makes me feel terribly bad about myself. I don't want to be the cause of pain and sorrow.
I met my brother's girlfriend yesterday - she seems so nice. I like her a lot and I am so glad that my brother has found someone so great; someone else who sees how fantastic he is; someone who'll be there for him when I cannot be. I keep feeling like I see glimpses of the future - but a future that I may not be a part of.
So, I appear to have managed a week of being slightly upbeat before it all tumbled down again.
Oughts and shoulds and wishes all mishmashing together.
Plus, I have no knitting or yarn with me and I don't know what to do with my hands, never mind my head.
I know, I know; 'good situation', 'could be worse' - all of that. I suppose I just feel like the situation will be worse in time and therefore I might as well be there already.
What's the answer? A furry cat to heat me up beyond all endurance? I don't know anymore.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

the future thing is hard. i find myself being a little bit harder on family members who depend on me, they're going to have to learn to do things themselves, just in case. but we never know, and miracles do happen, who knows - Xeloda could be just the ticket and you could be back in the swing of it all for quite a while. Here's hoping, right?

BTW, I don't comment often, but very much appreciate your nablomo posts.

And the photos of the damp day - lovely.

Best,
Amanda
www.imaginebrightfutures.wordpress.com