Damn you cancer!

I am so pissed off with myself at the moment. I feel like I can't do anything right.
Nowt.
And sometimes I feel ok and sometimes.....shoddy.
The 'hots' are back and they haven't even started the Zoladex yet.
Did all this happen to me?? Sometimes I think it must have been a dream because I can't fathom this. I sat for months saying 'This can't be happening because I can't believe it'.. There is a world of difference between choosing to believe something ('I don't believe this') and having the capacity to believe - the ability to comprehend - to absorb - to create meaning (because you can't believe something that is meaningless.)
And I think that is what I am doing now - trying to work out the 'meaning' of all this. I can't have done all this and have it not *mean* something, have everything simply be the same as it ever was. Especially since what was before wasn't up to all that much anyway.
I want change but I don't feel strong enough for it yet - but I'm frightened that I never will be.