Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Compulsive listening

Is listening to the same 3 songs over and over a symptom of depression?
Fucking hot again - the flushes have gone mad again - 25 yesterday and I reckon pretty much the same today. And they're at the level of throwing off at least one, if not two, layers of clothing.....
I really thought they'd started to improve - I so enjoyed not waking in the night and not sweating (sorry, perspiring - no - this is sweat) over and over. It just leaves me feeling so disgusting. All I can wear are these wicking fabric clothing, otherwise I'm just saturated, clammy and cold for hours.
I thought I was feeling better, but I'm not so sure now. Was that person laughing and cracking jokes this afternoon, me? How can that be me? How can someone who's been where I've been be that person? Is that who I want to be anyway?
Must go to sleep, should have gone hours ago - God, I'm so destructive. I jst make life hard for myself - I'll find it hard to get up in the morning now and then I'll be later for work than I want and I'll be rushing to have breakfast and do my exercises (which I haven't done fully for the last two days because I've had to leave the house early)
Elaine reminds me that I don't have to be perfect - that sometimes 'good enough' will do but I find that so hard to remember. Perfection is wired into me - or the desire for it - I don't know where that comes from. If I could track that down then maybe I could start to deconstruct it - but I don't know. It's too deeply seated.
My aim for tomorrow (virtually today): be good enough and no more.
I'll try.

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