Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Looking on the dark side

There may have been something about more than one lymphnode today with the Lymphoedema consultant - I'm losing my hearing. People around me talk but I can't really hear what they're saying. And I don't think it's the Lorazepam.

I simply can't be positive about this because I couldn't stand the trauma if/when the result is bad. It's better to expect the worst and have the chance of a better result.

CT scan tomorrow - I've not had one of those before; it was MRI's before.

::sigh::

2 comments:

pocketina said...

All the best, sweet girl. CT scans are pretty easy, just kinda boring, and the room's usually cold. Drink a lot of water afterwards, to flush out the imaging agent, ok?

:-)

Peace

Snoskred said...

Sepha,

Since you posted the post before this one - and the one before that as well, where you were speaking about the 10 year wait and see scenario. I've been unable to stop thinking about you, and this situation, and hope, and faith, and all kinds of stuff..

I wanted to comment with a few things, like how I notice my lymph thingys swell up when I have a flu or aren't feeling 100%, like how it was probably a good idea to expect the worst so you can be pleasantly surprised. I had no idea how to put it in a way that might sound.. ok - to either you or to me. I ended up not commenting which I felt really bad about.

So I figured I would just come back and say I was thinking of you, which I was, and am. That I hope it's going to turn out to be ok. That if you can't hope for that, maybe you could let me hope for that on your behalf.

Then I got to thinking more about it, and wondering what it must be like to not have faith in your own body to.. do the right thing. That might not make sense really.

We rely on people around us, and when they let us down it is sometimes a mere nothing, sometimes a major disappointment.

We know we can rely on ourselves to do things, and generally we can rely on our bodies. But when our bodies become unreliable, how can we ever trust them again?

That's why you have been stuck in this wait and see situation - because you can't trust your own body to be here for a child. Me personally I would find it difficult to trust my own body to be here for a pet, let alone a kid. Because how can you know what's going to happen when you're not here? How can I know that my cats will be treated the way I want them to be treated? That's a huge responsibility in itself, and a child is an even bigger one, and one I have decided I am never willing to take on for me, for many reasons.

If it turns out to be ok, I have some more thoughts for you, which I'll post when the news is in. But in the meantime just know that someone you've never met, someone who stumbled upon your blog quite by accident, and who only knows you from your posts is thinking of you and though I don't pray to anyone I'm hoping for you and all that kind of thing..

Snoskred.