Well, Lorazepam has been my sleepy friend for a week now. I discover it's not as effective when I take it at the same time as my Gabapentin. I've been told to stop taking the Tamoxifen which makes me feel a bit scared. Even though the Tamoxifen, which was supposed to keep me 'safe', obviously hasn't done it's job - I still feel vaguely unsettled. Which is mad really because hey, I've got cancer in my bones and lung - OK, it could be worse - it could be a lot worse. But it's still pretty bad.
It's pretty bad.
I'm starting chemo again on Friday - tomorrow. Tablet form this time though - which is definitely good - because I'm fuming that I let them take my portocath out. Apparently if the tablets work then I can be on them 'long-term'. I'm hoping this is a good sign because I was too chicken to ask what sort of time frame I was looking at. But people were going on about 'living' and doing things and stuff so they don't expect this to eat me tomorrow. However, to date, I haven't been renowned for having my cancer in the 'expected way'.
I'm still doing lots of crying hysterically - I can't stop apologising to my partner and family. I feel so bad and so sorry for them. I don't want them to have to go through this; I don't want them to have to watch me fade away when the time comes. I feel like I am a burden - an emotional burden. They tell me to shut up and stop being so ridiculous (in a rather nicer way of course!) but,....I still feel it.
I also feel a bit embarassed that it's come back. I've been going round saying to people that everything seemed to be fine, so far, at this point. And now I just look really dumb.
Time to wail a bit more.
Oh, but thank you nice people, all. I'll get back to you properly in due course.