Thursday, September 13, 2007

karma chemo

Well, Lorazepam has been my sleepy friend for a week now. I discover it's not as effective when I take it at the same time as my Gabapentin. I've been told to stop taking the Tamoxifen which makes me feel a bit scared. Even though the Tamoxifen, which was supposed to keep me 'safe', obviously hasn't done it's job - I still feel vaguely unsettled. Which is mad really because hey, I've got cancer in my bones and lung - OK, it could be worse - it could be a lot worse. But it's still pretty bad.
It's pretty bad.
I'm starting chemo again on Friday - tomorrow. Tablet form this time though - which is definitely good - because I'm fuming that I let them take my portocath out. Apparently if the tablets work then I can be on them 'long-term'. I'm hoping this is a good sign because I was too chicken to ask what sort of time frame I was looking at. But people were going on about 'living' and doing things and stuff so they don't expect this to eat me tomorrow. However, to date, I haven't been renowned for having my cancer in the 'expected way'.
I'm still doing lots of crying hysterically - I can't stop apologising to my partner and family. I feel so bad and so sorry for them. I don't want them to have to go through this; I don't want them to have to watch me fade away when the time comes. I feel like I am a burden - an emotional burden. They tell me to shut up and stop being so ridiculous (in a rather nicer way of course!) but,....I still feel it.
I also feel a bit embarassed that it's come back. I've been going round saying to people that everything seemed to be fine, so far, at this point. And now I just look really dumb.
Time to wail a bit more.

Oh, but thank you nice people, all. I'll get back to you properly in due course.


laurie said...

Try to ease up on yourself. You didn't do anything to cause the mets. You don't need to feel ashamed or embarrassed or guilty (easier said than done, I know. These are very common feelings among women with cancer). This is hard enough without adding to it by beating yourself up.

You don't deserve for this awful thing to be happening to you but it's clear that you are loved. And people you have never met are thinking of you lots and lots and lots.

Snoskred said...

Oh Sepha.. can I say this? The Other Half's mother was always on about being a burden, to the point she would not let us do anything for her. It is one of the unpleasant memories I have of her. We wanted to help, to be there, but she refused to let us.

Please allow your family and friends to love you and be there for you. It's difficult for everyone but they need and want to be a part of this too. That's because they love you.


Lynne said...

I have a dear friend who has been going through a similar situation. I cannot say that I've been in your shoes, but I can say I have seen the power of prayer in action. I have started a prayer chain on your behalf (I hope that's not too presumptous) on my site. The only other thing I can say, which you probably all ready know, is stay positive and stay focused on beating the sh*& out the cancer!

pocketina said...

Honey, you just don't look dumb from here.Not being able to see inside your bones or lung isn't dumb. You had every right to expect a full remission forever, or at least for a damn long time, and I'm so fucking sorry that it hasn't worked out like that, because if anyone deserves permanent, full remission, it's you. When I think of all the evil, rotten bastards out there who are perfectly healthy, and then think of you, you lovely person,that you're going through makes me furious. I want life to be WAY more fair than it is, I guess.

It's already Friday where you are, and I'll check up on you later, when it's Friday here. Just know you haven't been out of my thoughts all week, and that I'm sending you whatever strength & energy I can.

Please don't be embarrassed that it came did everything you were supposed to, it's just the damn cancer cells didn't play by the rulebook. Fuckers.

love! xo!