Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Doing the ostrich

Sorry, I've run out of good humour this evening.
I did laugh at the entries - and raised my eyebrows - and went 'eh?' in an amused way but tonight I'm full of the panics so I can't quite laugh.
Tonight I have 2 more days left on this cycle of the Xeloda and I'm realising how many questions I haven't asked. And I'm still too scared of the answers to ask them.
I haven't asked if this drug is going to help the cancer in the lungs and the lymph system. There seemed to be much more talk about treating the cancer in the bones and not much reference to the rest so I'm left wondering if that's because there's not much they can do about that.
I'm scared that I'm being lied to - by omission, rather than directly. Or, not lied to; but protected from the full truth of matters.
It may very well be true that this drug can control cancer in the bones for quite a while; but if it goes wild elsewhere in me in the meantime then that may not mean very much.
My oncologist referred to being able to help me get early retirement on ill-health grounds (which at the age of 30 is very scary) but is that an indirect way of hinting that I don't have a lot of time?
The problem to my mind is that if the cancer is in my lymph system then it could be setting up shop anywhere. And I keep hearing the word 'aggressive' in my head; which was how someone referred to my cancer this week - not my doctor, someone else.
I am so scared.
And I'm just convinced that next week they're going to tell me there's no point in continuing this treatment because it's in too much of my body. Which is completely based on fantasy in my head because they've done no new tests; there's no new data. Just panic. Just fear. Just me running out of time.
I'm really angry about being so optimistic last time. I tried to be really positive. I told myself that I could beat the cancer; that I would win. And I believed that was an option. Now I feel like that was total naivety - based on the impressions I had from what people were saying to me. No-one ever said that there was a bigger likelihood of it coming back than of it not coming back and that's what I feel like they all thought. No-one has said it but I feel like a chump for trying to even be optimistic. Because now it has come back; I'm crushed. I'm absolutely shattered by this. And not only do I not want to die but I feel *stupid* for ever wittering on at people about 'if it hasn't come back in five years'. For ever giving other people the impression that I would beat it. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
And I'm still focusing on the little things. I'm weeping over the fact that I'll never have children when I should be weeping over the fact I'll probably die before my parents.
Well, I'm weeping over that too.
And don't tell me to be/think positive tonight - maybe tomorrow - but not tonight. I feel like I can't be positive because I tried that and cancer still came back - and I can not keep taking the blows of hopes dashed.

9 comments:

Sandy said...

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. Prayers are headed your way.

Fighting For Mike

pocketina said...

I don't think you need to be/think positive unless you WANT to...but I really *do* think that you should stop blaming yourself, because it's just not your fault.

I have no grounds to speak about how you should do anything, sweetie. But just know that I'm thinking about you.

laurie said...

My heart is going out to you in a very big way right now. I have been almost EXACTLY where you are (and not that long ago). My only advice (other than to echo Pocketina's to go easy on yourself)is to go ahead and ask those questions. There is no way that the answers can be worse than what is going on in your head and they likely are considerably better.
Thinking of you lots. xo

WHAT'S NORMAL? said...

Your head may be under the sand, but I keep mine under the covers. Yes mam, 6 years out of Stage III Breast Cancer and I'm still filling coolers for a possible pitty party. I HATE CANCER. I have a chemo/radon psycho-induced blog at What's Normal@blogger. Stop by sometime. Feel free to analyse me, but believe me....there is not enough therapy, pills, tumor counts to make me Lance Armstrong. Ain't gonna happen. I'm snuggling down now in my hole. I'll be checking on you. You've made it to my favorites and I've only read your first rant. Chin up or down.....doesn't matter. Energy is a terrible thing to waste. Susan

Joyfulsister said...

I have just felt some of those emotions when told my treatment for my liver is not working. I guess my writing helps and releases alot of the emotions I need to let go. It's okay to go through times of releasing what ever we are feeling, good or bad, just know in our weakness God's strength takes over and we just need to snuggle in his arms and just let him hold us and love us and comfort us. Prayers for you my sister and I pray peace over your spirit, body, mind, and soul in Jesus name Amen... Hugz Joyful

Sandee said...

I've been battling for 9 years now, I was just switched to Xeloda following more mets. Cancer sucks! The fear is overwhelming, I want to live :(

WHAT'S NORMAL? said...

Okay, so now I wonder what you are doing now. I finally had to just read every entry. I have either found someone who is willing to admit that this really sucks. I don't try to be obsessive about "it", but "it" is definitely there. I'm sorry "it" found you again. I'm anxious to hear about your latest medical adventures. I would put my odds on you right now. I feel that your brain is so busy learning and observing the cancer may just feel ignored and leave. For laughs, check out my psychotic blog. It's called what's normal? Certainly not me. This title came from a teary date with my oncologist when I said "I just want to be normal". He got this curious look on his face and said, "Mrs. Davis....you weren't even close to normal when you walked in here." For whatever reason that gave me comfort. I hope you are feeling some comfort soon.

Twinmama said...

I found your site via some design site, and though I've never been here before I'd like to offer my sympathy.

I think you are being a little hard on yourself. Barbara Ehrenreich wrote a really great article in Harper's Magazine (US magazine) called Welcome to Cancerland. She talks about feelings of anger and betrayal, and how somehow those feelings have emerged as "not okay" in all the pink hype. You might like it: http://www.bcaction.org/Pages/LearnAboutUs/WelcomeToCancerland.html

I would also agree with Laurie...probably better to know than to wonder. You need answers and honesty so you can get on with your life.

The only other thing I might suggest is some Buddhist reading, if you're into that. You may find it very calming and reassuring (I do). I am currently reading The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching by Thich Nhat Hanh...

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