Friday, March 28, 2008

Lonely.....I'm sure there's a song about that

Apologies for the statelite-link pause in blogging - my laptop was in crisis and lost the ability to run on mains power or charge the battery. Whaaaa! I now have a laptop on loan (thank you!) and am waiting for a new one to materialise - well, be delivered. Soon. I hope. Hint hint delivery people.
It was shocking how cut off I felt without you all!!! You were missed! :)
I'm feeling quite lonely at the moment.
My brother came over from the States to visit me for a week - which was lovely. It's really nice when people come to visit me; it's just as nice to see them when I go visiting them, but it's special when they come to me. :) So we did a bunch of touristy things around London - like the Eye and walking along the river and the crack at Tate Modern and the opticians in Hampstead (What? You haven't heard of them? Huh, who would have thought...) I also took him to the hospital with me and he distracted me in the chemosuite when they were taking my bloods (not too much of a bloodbath this time, which is strangely disappointing) and he came along to my clinic appointment where he met my Oncologist (hello!); I tried to tell him that she could be scary but he is made of braver stuff than me (plus it was a rather unexciting appointment - nothing for me to report and not a lot for her to report - although I did get another tick in my notes - do I get a reward if I get a certain number of ticks? A chocolate brownie perhaps?) I was glad that he came along and saw where I was being treated and met the people who look after me. I hope it made him feel that I was in good hands and made sure he didn't feel out of the loop. I think things can be more frightening when you don't really know what's going on. Plus, he has the ability to make me laugh at all sorts of things. He went back to our old home in Leeds for the weekend and came back with this drawing of a cartoon character he'd invented way back when - Soup-Man! Who swam around in soup and had a straw for sucking it up and a propeller for manouveuring and stirring the soup around - it was hilarious - and such a wonderful example of unrestrained imagination.......
We also went to Spamalot and to see the Japanese Drummers - Yamato. Both really good - but the drumming was bloody brilliant - I was really glad he'd insisted we go (even if I did have a worrying few minutes on arrival at the theatre where I thought I might end up spending the evening in the Ladies!!!) You could feel the vibrations from the drums and it was done with such splashes of humour. We were on the 3rd row so had a really good closeup view - although from the side. So if you get a chance to see them - go like a shot!
But now he's gone home again. And I miss him. And it reminds me that I feel pretty lonely here. Which makes me sad. I end up feeling like I'm making up reasons to go out - so I just don't. What's the point? What am I going to do? Going and seeing galleries and shows and the like on your own isn't so much fun. Does this mean I should go back to work? But the Dear Other doesn't really want me to - then I'll spend less time with him and I'll have to be in London more of the time. Plus, I'm not really feeling like working. But sitting around on my own isn't good for me either. But I have no enthusiasm for doing lots of the stuff I *could* be doing. ::sigh:: Whatever.
It's hard. Life is hard at the moment. It's been worse, mind, but still not brilliant. And all sorts of things are casting their shadow at the moment - I have 2 hen weekends and consequently 2 weddings to go to over the next few months. None of them are mine. Out of all of my friends I am the person who has been with their partner the longest - so how come everyone gets to get married before me? And there's a complicated answer in there; involving the necessity for the Dear Other and I to be living in the same house in the same town and currently that means me leaving London for a place where I know even fewer people and have even less to do at my doorstep; not to mention a long way between me and the hospital and my Oncologist and her team. And I'm not prepared to move away from them - I think they're bloody good at their jobs, I think they care fantastically for their patients, I think they're incredibly patient with me (I'm not known for being easygoing) and why would I leave a top London teaching hospital with big name Doctors for one in a Midlands market-town (which is perfectly adequate, I'm sure).
So, no, I'm not the one in the flouncy dress (not my style anyway - I'd probably be a bit more imaginative and personal. Plus, I currently couldn't wear pretty shoes because my feet would die and fall off - getting married in trainers wasn't quite the effect I had in mind.) Blah - all irrelevant anyway - apart from the shoes bit - I *will* have to wear shoes to go to other people's weddings. Maybe my feet will die and fall off anyway.
What a long and very wingey post this is turning out to be - sorry about that.
BTW - I'm linked to in a Blogher post for my Letter to My Body post - I'm very honoured but I suspect that it's not the sort of thing people want to read. This is quite a depressing blog at times and cancer is a scary topic - I guess I don't blame you for avoiding it - I understand the discomfort and fear that even the word 'cancer' can evoke; but remember, if you do avoid or ignore this blog, you're ignoring me and I'm real and what's happening to me is real and I'm afraid it doesn't become any less real if you don't read about it......
Time to stop blathering now - thank you to all you people out there who read me all the time, through the good and less good and the frankly awful - you're the tops and it really makes my day when you drop me a line or comment to tell me you're there and then I know I'm not so alone.


Dorie said...

Hi- maybe call your brother? Just reconnect so you know he's "there" even if not in the same place. I know what you mean though. I get so sad for a bit when company leaves. I simply cannot wear "nice" shoes anymore. I managed to find a pair of black sneakers with black edging, and embellished them with a bit of black glitter. Now they're my formal sneaks for dressy occasions. I can get away with it because I'm considered eccentric.

titan said...

hello from a regular waaaay across the world - Oregon, USA.

Have you seen Team America: World Police? You and Kim Jong Il could duet "I'm So Ronery." (perhaps "We're so Ronery?")

Sweet Camden Lass said...

I'll have to introduce you to Fiona. She's very good with making trainers glorious: knows the correct sort of glue so that things don't fall off.

Was lovely to see you on Thursday. Again. We must do again. It is very good to have someone to cook for, isn't it?!