I was given a task, and I've been ignoring it - this seems to be key about me. I don't like feeling like I *have* to do something - even if it's something that I'd be happy to do.......contrary.
I was challenged to write about how I feel about my secondary cancer - how I feel about the cancer itself, not so much about how I feel about having it.
Both of which, to a degree, I feel like saying 'duh, what do you think? I feel crap and I hate it. The End'. But the person who asked me to do this is (well, suggested) is someone I respect so that isn't really the right sort of answer (although she'd accept it :))
Cancer is an old friend. We've been in close contact together before. It may have taken up residence in some new spots but it's still the friend we love to hate. To me, cancer is male - I always think of it as a him - sorry guys. I don't really know why. Perhaps it's because I don't really understand it, I don't get why it's - he's doing this to me and of course, being female, I do believe there is a part of maleness that just doesn't make sense to me (and vice versa of course). I tried to make a deal with Mr Cancer the other day - I pointed out to him that if he continued to grow and spread then he was going to kill me - and then where would he be? He'd be dead too - I pointed out that actually it's in his best interests to keep me going for as long as possible - so no more growing and spreading. I don't know if he listened. He's a contrary thing, like me. Sneaky and conniving. If he'd told me that he'd got my point and was going to do as I suggested then I wouldn't believe him. I can't trust him - he's able to sneak around and set up shop before you even know it. He's no gentleman. He's a con artist. Able to change and adapt at will. But somehow, today, I don't really *hate* him - he does feel like an old friend. Is this me accepting what's happened and is happening to me? Maybe.
Cancer makes me feel a bit of a fraud. This cancer is giving me a get-out-of-work-free card; it can earn me retirement status. But I feel fine. I look fine. Maybe me and Mr Cancer have worked out an accord - a space where we can co-exist. True, I'm blockading him with Xeloda - but it doesn't seem to be killing him; it seems to be placating him. 'Just stay where you are, be content with the parts of me you have already'. A cease-fire. But, I don't know how long he'll be content with that. Perhaps he's really Napoleon and is just sitting there planning out his next move. Playing at the cancer version of 'Risk'. This is the difference between him and me - he's a dilettante ; just toying with me for the fun of it - a game; whereas I am fighting for life. And he won't be a one to send notification of his decision to resume hostilities - it'll be a surprise, sneak attack. An incursion that may not be initially noticed.
Please listen to me Mr Cancer - please let's cooperate. I guess I'll let you have what you've already invaded if we can just agree that that's it; if you'll just be content to not try to expand or increase your homestead. Deal?