Great big tears

Hello.
Me here.
Still here.
I really don't know what to say.
There's not bad news, it's just the same old overwhelming sadness.
And that crying thing where you lie on a bathroom floor and can't breathe through the sobbing.

I saw old, good friends at the weekend. And I saw photos from my past and I just couldn't deal with it. Photographs of me with this bright smile of *real* contentment and happiness; with eyes that shone with innocence; at ease with myself and the world; with endless possibilities and opportunities and potential - and I could not see myself in her. I feel like my smiles, my eyes are never like that any more - they hold shadows and tears - there is a tension in them constantly. And I feel like I have no possibilities or opportunities - no potential anymore. Any happiness, any laughter is tainted, is qualified.
One photo is burned onto my memory now - a simple one, I'm standing at a friends door - but the smile and the eyes - I look so open, so trusting, so happy. I feel like I've done that girl wrong, I've betrayed her. I've let her down. Destroyed her. And she didn't deserve that - she should have been anything she wanted.
And so I retreated and sat on the floor of a bathroom and wept in the arms of a friend who, by rights, should have been crying in my arms - great shuddering, sobbing tears that shake your whole body - that leave you with those funny, sharp intakes of breath long after the tears have subsided.
I don't want this. I don't want to live with this. I don't want to die from this.
I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen to you, to me, to *her* - the other me. I'm sorry.