Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Great big tears

Me here.
Still here.
I really don't know what to say.
There's not bad news, it's just the same old overwhelming sadness.
And that crying thing where you lie on a bathroom floor and can't breathe through the sobbing.

I saw old, good friends at the weekend. And I saw photos from my past and I just couldn't deal with it. Photographs of me with this bright smile of *real* contentment and happiness; with eyes that shone with innocence; at ease with myself and the world; with endless possibilities and opportunities and potential - and I could not see myself in her. I feel like my smiles, my eyes are never like that any more - they hold shadows and tears - there is a tension in them constantly. And I feel like I have no possibilities or opportunities - no potential anymore. Any happiness, any laughter is tainted, is qualified.
One photo is burned onto my memory now - a simple one, I'm standing at a friends door - but the smile and the eyes - I look so open, so trusting, so happy. I feel like I've done that girl wrong, I've betrayed her. I've let her down. Destroyed her. And she didn't deserve that - she should have been anything she wanted.
And so I retreated and sat on the floor of a bathroom and wept in the arms of a friend who, by rights, should have been crying in my arms - great shuddering, sobbing tears that shake your whole body - that leave you with those funny, sharp intakes of breath long after the tears have subsided.
I don't want this. I don't want to live with this. I don't want to die from this.
I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen to you, to me, to *her* - the other me. I'm sorry.


Anonymous said...

Hi, I don't know what so say but I found your blog, clicking and clicking along, and I just want to say that I'm here. Whatever you want and need, hey, Sepha, I'm here.

laurie said...

Oh sweetheart. I wish...well you know what I wish. Take good, good care. xo

Sweet Camden Lass said...

*hugs*. It was lovely to see you this evening: I'd probably have given up somewhere around packing and before changing the sheets. And well before sorting out niggly bits of PH.

Dee said...

Sepha, I'm so sorry to hear of you so sad.
All I can say is that I can completely relate to it.. completely and utterly.

Loads of love & hugs,

titan said...

i don't know what to say to make you feel any better, so just a big hug from the other side of the world.

Dorothy said...

Sepha, for some reason today was a bright day for me. The sun shined and I felt light and heat into my body and soul. So with all my heart I depart it from me and send it to you... from my heart to your soul....the warm feeling of Karma and friendship...

Dorothy from grammology
remember to call gram