Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Let me go

I was doing so well: feeling so much better and then, suddenly, talking to Elaine yesterday I'm back at floods of tears and the honest truth that I have looked at death. I 'cheated' and 'tricked' it.

I escaped....for now.

People have been where I am now - cancer 'free' and thinking they have won but have still died from the disease. I can never be certain that I've won. And that was my mantra all last year:

"I get to win, me; you, cancer, you get to lose. You don't get this girl."

But actually; it just hasn't got me *this time*. I'm not saying I think it's going to come back: I don't know. That's what it boils down to: I don't know. I can't know. Noone can know. And there's really nothing I can do to help myself; to insure myself; to keep it at bay.

I feel like I am part of some Grimm's fairytale: the wicked, spooky forest is behind me. All black with twisting tendrils and branches. Deformed trees and dark shadows. And it's following me and in there is the 'evil', the 'wickedness'. And it can catch you. And, if you're lucky, you can escape. But at a price: you have to pay a price. And that's where I am: paying the price. Turn around 3 times clockwise and touch the ground and the 'wolf' can't get you. That's where I am. Doing meaningless things to try and placate the wickedness enough that it leaves me alone. And hence, I can't forget it all - I have to remember, I have to have the flashbacks because that is paying the price. It's a bargain. You let me go and I will pay you the obesience you require. Every day: whatever you ask of me.

Just please let me go

No comments: