Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Abandoned and crazy

OK - so when does the utter over-reacting cease??

I spent an hour sobbing yesterday.
Because I rang my doctors surgery to make an appointment with my GP; only to be told:

"He's left"


In head:
"How can he leave me!! I've been abandoned! Now I'm really going to die."

Crazy, over-reacting woman.

I truly felt like, shit, bad things are going to happen now. He was the one who started the process. He was the one who sent me to the Breast Clinic (True, with the words: "I don't think it's cancer: I've felt a 'cancer lump' (note: noone uses the word 'tumor' to the patient) before." Whoops! And now you've met a new lump! Lump, meet GP; GP, meet lump!) If he hadn't done that - I could have really been in trouble. And that happens to young women with breast cancer - their GP thinks that it's so unlikely that he doesn't refer them. My GP did refer me - he did the right thing. And I liked him and felt comfortable with him: and that is a big deal for me. I really do get quite bad 'white-coat' anxiety and I deal with it by knowing the person I'm going to see. I always make sure I see my GP and I want him to know me and how I react and so on. I hope my new GP will be as good.

And now he's gone. He, kind of, rescued me. I'm really grateful to him and I can't even tell him.
And just why haven't they informed his patients?! That's what really gets me: that, surely, is not the way to break the news.

And then I think, shit - I am reacting like a lover had just left me; or a family member or a best friend. He was none of these things. I am over-reacting. But I truly felt so upset yesterday. I sat in Tavistock Square (nice, green gardens with Ghandi statue) and wept (and also muttered to myself - adding to the crazy, insane woman image I seem to be going for nowadays)

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