Monday, November 10, 2008

Hi ho, hi ho....

It rained and rained and rained and rained today.
So I didn't go out and celebrated my last day before going back to work by staying in my dressing gown until 2pm.
And finished knitting a sock. Which fits perfectly. Excellent. Very pleasing to have got all the measurements correct. Plus my cast off cuff is an excellent tension and goes over the heel very easily but still stays up around the ankle.
I'm still deciding exactly how I'm going to react to the fact my desk in inhabited by someone else. And what the hell I'm going to say to people. I think "Hello, please don't talk to me" probably isn't really going to set the right tone. But I do mostly want to not talk to people.
The problem of having turned a bit reclusive.
It's the fake jollity I can't stand the thought of. And I know I'll end up doing the "I'm fine!" Lalalala.
I've been trying to train myself to say "Oh just trying to catch up with all the gossip round here!" and if pressed about how I am "Oh, it's all very dull; let's not talk about it - I hear there are changes afoot with the the ED and TLs"
But that still feels very fake jollity.
And I must not say "Back off bitch!"
You know when you see in films and Sci-fi things when someone's been taken over by some Alien consciousness and they're struggling to remain themselves but the Alien keeps cutting in and making them say inappropriate things - I feel a bit like that sometimes. Like there's some really pissed off alien in me that sometimes just wants to cut in with things like "Oh just fuck off!" and "Screw you!". Obviously so far I have kept the alien under control but I worry that one day I won't.
I also know I'm going to feel horribly guilty about not having responded to the emails and calls from a couple of members of staff whom I was friendly with. I have emailed and said I'm coming back and apologised for that and explained that I wasn't really talking with anyone but I'm not sure that it's really mended fences.
I guess I'm really not looking forward to going back. I didn't really think I was. And I knew that I wouldn't really know for certain until I got to crunch time. Well, crunch. Here we are.


Sweet Camden Lass said...

Hurrah for the sock!

Boo for having to go back to work.

Once the first day is over, it'll be much better.


laurie said...

I hope the return to work exceeds your expectations. I know all about the reclusive thing. However, I have been pleasantly surprised at some recent interactions that I was dreading.
The first few days will be EXHAUSTING (especially if you are not doing a gradual return) - so go easy.