Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The way we love

I've been having a bit of a funny week.
Earlier in the week I felt like I was almost having panic attacks. I was really tired and wanted to have a nap but I could hear my pulse pounding in my ears and I felt like I had indigestion almost, but I didn't really. So I couldn't sleep, even after I'd had one and a half Lorazepam. They're supposed to be muscle relaxants but I really didn't feel like I was 'un-doing'.
Then I've been oddly angry and weepy today - I went strangely pathetic when I discovered that Dear Other did not love the bedside cabinets I'd found and fallen for and thought would be just perfect, and thought he would think were just perfect......but he didn't. I'm over it; but I felt so lost - perhaps because we so nearly always concur about things, I'm not very practised at not agreeing. Not that we were arguing about it - I think it was more feeling that we were 'out of tune' with each other and I rely on him a great deal and am very used to being 'in tune' with him that it was an odd experience to not be. If you see what I mean. But, it's a bedside cabinet - it's not going to be on display to the whole world, it's not a big deal (and I do mean that). So I have the new one that I loved and he has the old one that I secretly think he loves since he's had it since the year dot. So, that's OK.

On Friday it's going to be my brother's birthday. I had hoped to go over to the States to be there for it, but I can't because I have to go and have my Pamidronate drip and Zoldex injection. Not a very nice substitute. I've send his present and card and I'll try and get him on the phone (although that's never the easiest thing!) I've discovered I'm feeling pretty nervous about his birthday - he'll be 27. Age 27 was when I got cancer and I think I'm somehow scared that something bad will happen to him - and I don't want it to (obviously). I'd really love 27 to be the year that life opens up for him, that things go right for him; that he finds his place, his niche, his perfect job; that he stops feeling so sad and depressed. If something happens to him, if he gets sick - I'll feel guilty - like I've caused it by being afraid of it. Fairly irrational I think you'll agree. I guess I'm just saying I love my little brother and I would rather the hideous weight of the world fell on me instead of him......

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