Monday, June 09, 2008

Instead of sleeping

Hot, I'm hot, and it's 2 in the morning and I'm tired, but I have that wakeful mind thing going on....not helpful. I hate it when I don't even know what I'm thinking *about*; or even what I'm trying *not* to think about. Something just doesn't feel right.
Perhaps it's because I've yet another extra week off chemo - which I know I need for my stomach and rest-of digestive tract to recover - but I'm scared what the next CT scan will show. I've had 2 elongated cycles in a row and I won't know for another 3 weeks if the medication is at the right level yet. And I worry that the disrupted timescale will mean things will no longer be stable. That cancer will be growing again. Because eventually it will be - that's inevitable now - well, not inevitable that it will grow *now; but that it will one day. One day. These are not the sorts of things you are supposed to be waiting for; they're not the 'one day' dreams I should be having. When I wasn't feeling well (at all well) last weekend (very icky) my mind immediately leapt about 4 million miles from where I was - thinking that the medication dosage would have to be decreased again already - to thinking that The Precious Oncologist would declare that Xeloda was no longer working and there were no other options and I was going to start the dying process. Palliative care next step. And my imagination was running wild (my imagination should seriously be lopped off) - trying to decide what music to have playing at my funeral; would I be buried or cremated? And if I was cremated then where would I like my ashes? And thinking of the people who would be there and how they would feel and about how would the Dear Other cope. And goodness me, I felt Very Sad and Cried (for a change). The wee small hours in combination with bathroom and not knowing if you're going to be sick, have diarrhoea, or both - plus heartburn and gas - these things are really Not A Good Combination and cause mental anguish. I feel better now - but, yet again, I am amazed by where my head goes when I'm not feeling well. I feel now like that can't possibly have been my head and my mental processes - and that is strange.
I'd forgotten, a bit, quite how simply dreadful it is to feel continuously nauseous. That feeling when you start to wish you'd just be sick and then it would be over and you could start feeling better - or feeling something other than nauseous anyway. I'd forgotten the fact that it eats away at your self-control; at the holding-it-together part of you. I didn't feel like I handled it as well as last time (2005 time, I mean) - I think that was because last time I could keep telling myself that I only had to go through it eight times (four times for the nausea-inducing chemo anyway) but now, now there is no set end. It could be many, many, many times. And it's even more miserable to have to hope that it will be many, many, many times.
Sorry, back to Boring. Dull and repetitive. I *want* to be saying other things. I *want* to have something more interesting to say. But, I was told that 'I want never gets'. And, in true-child fashion, I can only respond 'that's not fair!' Blah, blah, blah. Perhaps that's what my blogposts will be henceforth: I shall simply type [Blah, blah, blah] and you can just move on to the next blog in your blogroll.


Sweet Camden Lass said...

Hope you slept eventually. It is suddenly far too hot and hard to adjust. Wakeful minds do not help either.

You are a mistress of 'whatifs'. I can't say 'stop it', because it won't help, and I do it too, to a certain degree, anyhow (hello sooty kettle, this is smudgey pot...). However. You aten't dead today: so I shall take you out to have some fun tonight.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that you feel so sad. We don't know each other but still we reach out. I hope that you find reason to smile and to write again soon.

Sepha said...

Oh, dear anonymous - thank you. I wish I did know you: you are obviously a kindly soul! Maybe one day you could drop me an email and introduce yourself - or not....
Thank you! x

Sepha said...

SCL, I have no knowledge and will probably have my head on the table in sleepiness - I rely on you to nudge and step on toes at the appropriate moments.....What Shall I Wear!?

Dee said...

Oh god, Seph.. I could have written that blog entry!
I have just the same thoughts and feelings as you (along with the dodgy tummy!).

I'm expecting them to be changing my chemo sometime soon, as it's looking like the xeloda's stopping working for me.

I had a rubbish nights sleep too. It was SO warm. And every time I wokw up, like you, I have all these thoughts going through my head.

And you're damn right.. these aren't the kind oif 'one day' thoughts we should be having.
I've been thinking alot lately, that I should be thinking things like "One day I'll buy a house, get married, etc." But those 'one days' just aren;t going to happen for me now. It's hard, and I completely understand where you're coming from.

Lots of love & hugs,

Ciorstaidh said...

Last night does seem to have been just Too Hot To Sleep. What that's like with hot flushes, I can't imagine (I just had a migraine).

We all play the whatif game at some time or another, stopping it's the hard bit. Eventually I got there through being forced to play the Glad Game (which is honestly the stupidest and most pointless game in the world ever and Pollyanna wants strangling. Give me one of the Guides any day). Depression's a funny old game.

SCL said it though - you aten't dead today. And she's going to make sure you've got something else to blog about tonight, or next time, or whenever. We all will. Even if it's to moan about us :-)

~K xx

laurie said...

I go there too, especially on chemo weeks. The chemo makes me feel like crap (and that reminds me of the cancer), I have more time to think (because I am in bed more) and I think chemo wreaks havoc on hormones which only fuel the dark moods.
It really is unfair. I hope your next CT scan proves very reasuring.

Anonymous said...

Does it make any difference to you to know that I've planned elements of my funeral ?
((hugs)) You sound like you need them.

L xx

laurie said...

Thinking of have been quiet. You OK?

Dorothy said...

Oh my sweet child, you have every right to be frustrated, angry, fearful and saddened. Your life is so unknown...and you so long for more time...

I am and will think and pray for you..and thank you for the blah blah blah...we understand...

Dorothy from grammology
remember to hug your gram
grammology. om

Sweet Camden Lass said...

I know you're still there...but someone else who reads may well have begun to panic.

A MONTH since I took you out!? And t'was far more fun with you there...

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