Friday, September 22, 2006

Sad, tired, not a total screwball

OK - I may have been sounding a *tad* dramatic over the past few weeks. Well, alright, yes I have been.

Please be assured that it all comes and goes and that I'm not spending my life curled up in a ball weeping. I am jolly confused and muddled and astounded by where my sense of self is taking me at the moment. However, in my calmer moments I do believe that it is all taking me somewhere new; that it will resolve - that I'll come out the other side.
I just haven't yet.

I am like a child learning how to communicate; except here I'm relearning how to communicate emotionally. I think I've been 'shut down' for a very long time. I froze myself rather than expressing things - because some part of me thinks that having feelings is a failing and because they were just too overwhelming. There were too many things, one after the other or all on top of each other and they would have drowned me on my own. So I stamped them down, shut them up, told myself to be strong and get on with things because feeling something about all these things was not going to make them go away or resolve themselves. I have learnt/am learning that feelings cannot be right or wrong: they just are; that you are allowed to feel and wish for things that cannot be. I am astounded by some of the things I'm learning about myself because I find myself thinking things that are simply not true. To put it metaphorically (and why not!) I've been trying to steer my ship according to a false map and false landmarks to the wrong destination. It's time to get myself back on a course - a better course - because, of course, there are many. (and possibly too many uses of the word 'course' in the previous sentence...)
I'm starting to have hopes for the future. I won't say I see or know what it will be; but things are starting to float into the offing - I see ghosts of the future.
Gentle ghosts presenting opportunities.

No comments: