Thursday, August 31, 2006

World's worst

World's worst Zoladex injection this morning. The nurse's hand slipped as she was sticking it in my abdomen and it came out and she had to reinsert it and OW! That flippin' hurt! I think that one's going to be an almighty bruise. I knew it wasn't going to be good when she had to fetch Ivy (Queen of the Chemosuite) to show her how this particular Zoladex injectable worked. Doesn't fill you with confidence, does it?
Plus it took her a really good feel-around to be confident enough to insert the needle to flush my portocath and that's always 'uncomfortable' i.e. it hurts. So a less than good day in the chemosuite - and considering I had to wait over an hour, even when I was there first thing, annoying. I guess I have a hard time accepting that I'm not the priority any more. Which is a good thing. Because being a priority means being really sick and I'm not anymore. So I was cheerful and accommodating and patient but there's a little bit of me that still wants to be looked after - to be the patient not just patient. But not really.
(Please don't send my cancer back just because I admitted that!!!)

T'was surgeon check-up on Tuesday too. All was well there. Well, all except some damn swelling in my hand which he didn't say was lymphoedema but I assume it actually is. It's tiny - you can barely see it but unfortunately I can feel it - my hand is stiff and I have pain down my arm. The surgeons response to this was 'yes, it can happen' - ARGH!!! TYPICAL SURGEON RESPONSE!!!! Pain and discomfort just doesn't register. I'm sitting there thinking 'please tell me what I can do to help make it better', surgeon's head is thinking 'it's only pain, it doesn't matter'. Well, it matters to me! I want my damn arm and hand back! I do not want lymphoedema as a daily reminder of all I've been through.

I'd also really like my knees and ankles not to seize up - sometimes I stand up and I can barely walk because I've stiffened up so much. I'm like a granny and I'm only 29 - this must cease!!

ALSO - the insane sweating has come back. I thought the gabapentin was working but the flushes are getting eviler again - my arms, they sweat!! Whose *arms* sweat?!? I mean, absolutely *dripping* and *running* with sweat. So much so that when I put my arm down on a piece of paper the other day, when I lifted it off again (I was writing) the paper was sodden - wet through and sticking to the desk. I am disgusting and I loathe it. I woke up 3 times last night and at 3 in the morning I had to go downstairs and outside where I lay on the concrete paving slabs outside the back door because they were cool and I just couldn't cool down....

'Nuff complaining?? Perhaps so.


Get over it girl - in fact, go and wash off the day's layer of sweat and go to bed to aquire some more.
Deep joy.


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