Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Right here, right now

It's a relief really. I don't have to wait any longer. And I have felt this coming since the start of the year. Which is why I have been so quiet I think. I nearly posted one of my angst-ridden posts about waiting for test results but then I decided that I keep posting those and then stuff's ok-ish and I feel a fool.

Anyway, the CT and the MRI were done a week and a half ago and I forebore from angsting about it. Well, I did in the discomfort of my own brain but I didn't spew it all out here. Results just in: increase of cancer in lung, liver lesions and the swelling on my shoulder is due to a tumour behind the muscle pushing it all forward and squeezing the nerves in my brachial plexus which makes my hand and fingers numb. Plus causes significant pain in my shoulder and lymphoedema in my hand and arm.
Not so good really.
So, it's old-school chemo time again. 2 different drugs on day 1, 1 of them again on day 8, week off. Rinse and repeat 5 times. 6 in total. Time to have a new portocath put in. Ick. Plus a referral to Dr Adrian Tookman - a consultant in Palliative Care; but I've been told he runs a 'bootcamp for cancer patients' - sorry, no, he's interested in rehabilitation for cancer patients. And that's what I think I need - someone to get me moving again. So I'm hopeful about that. Rest assured - the Princess Oncologist tells me she still has treatments up her sleeves - we're not at the end yet.
Hopefully this won't be a hairloss drug regime; but sickness and nausea will be present.
I have decided it's time to stop working. It's time to be with the Dear Other a bit more. I just hope the whole retiring thing can be worked out well.....
I'm upset - no denying. But there is a certain calmness - no more waiting.

I leave you with a quote from Winston Churchill:
"When you're going through hell; keep going."


Sweet Camden Lass said...

Oh bah. BAH! I say. With extra added grr.

And then a great big hug, a spot of chocolate and can I come and watch Red Dwarf with you 'cos I don't have it on DVD myself.


Dorie said...

Oh Phooey for this news. I'm sending positive energy your way. Hugs to you from here too.

Sarah M Dillon said...

BIG cyberhug - until I'm there to give you one in person x

lyon23girl said...

The waiting is the worst. It's this horrible nomansland where nothing is planned and everything is put on hold - a dreadful limbo. I'm sorry to hear that you need more chemo, but I'm glad they still have a few tricks up their sleeves to treat you.
kind regards

Ciorstaidh said...

I can't find the right words without getting horribly sidetracked or waffly and sounding like those saccharine sympathy cards (blech).

Just to let you know I read, I shake my fist in cancer's face, and I'm here for you.

lornagrl said...

I am so sorry to hear about this. I admire your courage. Keep fighting!!

Dorothy said...

Sepha, there is nothing I can say except what you quoted your in hell and I pray you are able to keep going. I wish you well with stopping work and spending time with the person you love there is nothing more rewarding. You have my thoughts and prayers and wishes to some days that will be peaceful and filled with joy of just being able to love...

Dorothy from grammology

Anonymous said...

"we're not at the end yet" Your words. Other than that, I really don't know what to say, but am sending lots and lots of love and hugs.
(As an aside, I'm doing the Playtex Moonwalk this year, and have been very lax with the training. I was in two minds about pulling out, and then saw your post and realised that however unfit I am, I've got to do this.)

L xx