It's a relief really. I don't have to wait any longer. And I have felt this coming since the start of the year. Which is why I have been so quiet I think. I nearly posted one of my angst-ridden posts about waiting for test results but then I decided that I keep posting those and then stuff's ok-ish and I feel a fool.
Anyway, the CT and the MRI were done a week and a half ago and I forebore from angsting about it. Well, I did in the discomfort of my own brain but I didn't spew it all out here. Results just in: increase of cancer in lung, liver lesions and the swelling on my shoulder is due to a tumour behind the muscle pushing it all forward and squeezing the nerves in my brachial plexus which makes my hand and fingers numb. Plus causes significant pain in my shoulder and lymphoedema in my hand and arm.
Not so good really.
So, it's old-school chemo time again. 2 different drugs on day 1, 1 of them again on day 8, week off. Rinse and repeat 5 times. 6 in total. Time to have a new portocath put in. Ick. Plus a referral to Dr Adrian Tookman - a consultant in Palliative Care; but I've been told he runs a 'bootcamp for cancer patients' - sorry, no, he's interested in rehabilitation for cancer patients. And that's what I think I need - someone to get me moving again. So I'm hopeful about that. Rest assured - the Princess Oncologist tells me she still has treatments up her sleeves - we're not at the end yet.
Hopefully this won't be a hairloss drug regime; but sickness and nausea will be present.
I have decided it's time to stop working. It's time to be with the Dear Other a bit more. I just hope the whole retiring thing can be worked out well.....
I'm upset - no denying. But there is a certain calmness - no more waiting.
I leave you with a quote from Winston Churchill:
"When you're going through hell; keep going."
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Whilst you're down there....
I'm so upset.
I've had a lovely 10 days with my brother visiting me from the States and we did some fun and important stuff like spending a couple of days on Lindisfarne where we used to go on holidays as children.
He flew home last night and I was so sad to see him go and apparently he got back having flown 7 and a half hours and his girlfriend picked him up at the airport at 9pm, dropped him off at home while she went to check on a house she was 'sitting' and then came back and dumped him at 1am in the morning.
He's had so much crap in his life already that this was the last thing he needed. He's just weaned himself off antidepressants after around 5 years. His job ends in a month when the store he works in is being closed. He never finished college because of the depression and has never been able to bring himself to go back. He's not eligible for COBRA so he'll have no health insurance. Plus all the crap that's happened to me.
This is not fair. I just want my little brother to be happy. To have someone to support him when things get back with me. To have something go right in his life. I swear my family is cursed. I don't know what we ever did wrong. I've always thought we were good people. I'm sick of it. Sick of constantly dealing with hard stuff. I'm so tired of holding it together, of keeping on keeping on. I'm sick of it; I don't want to anymore. I'd like to give up now.
I've had a lovely 10 days with my brother visiting me from the States and we did some fun and important stuff like spending a couple of days on Lindisfarne where we used to go on holidays as children.
He flew home last night and I was so sad to see him go and apparently he got back having flown 7 and a half hours and his girlfriend picked him up at the airport at 9pm, dropped him off at home while she went to check on a house she was 'sitting' and then came back and dumped him at 1am in the morning.
He's had so much crap in his life already that this was the last thing he needed. He's just weaned himself off antidepressants after around 5 years. His job ends in a month when the store he works in is being closed. He never finished college because of the depression and has never been able to bring himself to go back. He's not eligible for COBRA so he'll have no health insurance. Plus all the crap that's happened to me.
This is not fair. I just want my little brother to be happy. To have someone to support him when things get back with me. To have something go right in his life. I swear my family is cursed. I don't know what we ever did wrong. I've always thought we were good people. I'm sick of it. Sick of constantly dealing with hard stuff. I'm so tired of holding it together, of keeping on keeping on. I'm sick of it; I don't want to anymore. I'd like to give up now.
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