Tiddely pom, the more it grows.....

Ba-blah blah blah.
Hello.
It's 'bye bye' to Xeloda from me and 'hello' to Arimidex as bad, naughty Xeloda has declared itself finished and allowed a wee bit of growth to the nodes in the lungs and lymph. Tut tut tut. But! Bone scan showed *mostly* stable/no big change. However an MRI has been ordered to check if the pain my shoulder is due to the cancer in my spine around my neck and/or the cancer in the bone at my sternum. I didn't really realise that there was cancer in those specific places before today; never wanted to know - but I guess one has to know eventually. If it proves to be this, then there may be some radiotherapy to help it.

So, yeah, not a good day. Could be worse - the growths are small and slow; no rampaging for the moment. And I can't say I'm sad to see the back of the Xeloda - 12 pills a day carefully arranged after eating at the right time and causing the diarrhoea and sore hands/feet - I'm happy to see the back of that. And the Arimidex is fairly side-effect free: hot-flushes (got them already) and aches in hands.... but it's all still a blow. I needed the Xeloda to work for longer than this. I was hoping for more than a year on it. I don't understand how the Arimidex is really going to help - all it does is to inhibit any other oestrogen production in the body - so, yes, it's going to prevent the oestrogen feeding the cancer cells; but, surely if staying in control of the cancer was as straightforward as this, wouldn't this drug have been the one we tried first? It's not exactly sounding like we're using the big guns here. But the only other options is moving onto the old-school chemos (IV) The Arimidex at least means that I only have to go into see the consultant every 6 weeks, instead of every 3 weeks - that's nice. And swallowing a tablet a day is infinitely better than being hooked up to IVs again - although we'll be there in the end.
So, teary day. The thought I can't stand is of having to go through this *every time* a particular line of treatment comes to an end - that's what I can't stand. The shock, the upset - although today was *not* helped by a very large clinic list and having to wait over an hour and a half beyond my appointment time to see the consultant. There weren't enough seats in the waiting room. I was a complete mess before I even got in there. Needless to say - I wasn't totally surprised by the results - I was worried; but no matter what, hearing it is never easy.

I really hate cancer and I really hate having cancer and today I really wished for oblivion. Just for a short time - to not have to feel or think for a while; because I hurt. I am bored of cancer; I'm bored of having it, I'm bored of fighting it - it's tedious and monotonous and *dull*, *dull*, *dull*. I don't want to fight it anymore - I'm tired of it. Just think what I could use that energy for if it wasn't being sucked up by getting up and facing the cancer every day....

::sigh::

Anyway, that's where I am today.