Friday, July 20, 2007

Did she fall or was she pushed?

So, I've been pushed. Given a deadline. The bomb goes off and I'm sent out into the world to fend for myself by December. No more talking. The time for introspection, for figuring out myself is running out.

This is supposed to focus the mind and set a goal to aim for.

So why have I cried hysterically over the last 18 hours? I'm amazed at how I am feeling. Like an abandoned child. Stupid for having forged a relationship that I knew was temporary. People leave - I know this; I'm used to being left behind. So why do it? I hurt now and if I'd kept to myself then I wouldn't. If you don't share yourself, if you don't give people access to your personal world then they can't hurt you.

But I do hurt.

4 comments:

Snoskred said...

I'm sorry to read this. ;(

On the other hand and looking at the positives, yay for focusing the mind and setting goals - there's nothing better than a challenge. Try for October. ;)

Snoskred - has a new home at -
http://www.snoskred.org/

pocketina said...

Warning: Pontificating Ahead

I had a friend who was of the opinion that it's not worth having pets, because they eventually die...but so do parents, children, friends, lovers, and houseplants. EVERYTHING can fall into this category, so it's just better to remember that there's no way to shield oneself from pain without shielding oneself from joy and friendship and love.
It's a rough lesson, no doubt, but it's the human struggle, you know? This is it, in a nutshell. You get to be a sentient being with wisdom, forthought, and a long memory, and somehow learn to live without those assets becoming a burden.

At the age of 38, I'm still trying to be a grownup. It's a rocky road, mostly, but this is one of the big lessons for all of us: how to balance joy and pain.

I am of the loner persuasion, and it pretty much takes serious winkling* on my boyfriend's part to pop me out of my shell for a while.
My friends can be counted on 2 hands, maybe, but probably on 1.
And I count you as one of them. :-)

(* I'm assuming that "winkling" isn't Brit-slang for sex, but just in case it IS...I was actually just talking about being prised from one's shell, as a winkle experiences from a pin.)

laurie said...

I've been thinking about you all week end. You deserve happiness. I don't like it at all that you are sad. I wish you many, many good things in the very near future.

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