Sunday, February 11, 2007

Here today, where tomorrow?

I think the world is swirling around me and I am stuck - stuck in sludge. It stinks, it's uncomfortable, it's horrible but it's known and comfortable in an odd way. I don't want to be here but the unknown, the fear is too great to move. I don't want to talk about this because then I might have to face up to it and I might have to admit that I am holding myself in this terrible place and then I might have to be brave and try to move something, somewhere, somehow. And I don't want to do this. It is too frightening.

And then I feel so ashamed of being so paralyzed - I am lucky, so far. I am not of the people who are facing recurrance, mets - or not yet, anyway. See how I always have to qualify my statements - I don't trust that I am really free. I could be free but I am so busy preparing myself for the 'what if' or the 'might' that I can't see or enjoy the 'now'. And one day my time might be up and I will have missed the freedom, the time I could have had will be gone.....

1 comment:

Kim said...

Em, I always wish that I had brilliant words to say to you. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to want to move forward and then be hit with the reality of a situation like Laurie's and fear it could happen to you too. But try as hard as you can not to live your life in the "but what if.." moments. Every day we have is a gift, so please don't spend it worrying about a future that may very well hold nothing to fear. I don't know if any of it stems out of a misplaced bit of guilt that right now you are healthy when others haven't been as fortunate, but if so, I don't think anyone would want that from you. I think we all have fear of something. I fear cancer, but not on the same level as you do as I have not experienced it firsthand, but because it runs rampant in my family, because I used to smoke..but I can't spend my days being afraid of something that may never happen. And neither should you.