Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Haven't we met here before?

It's amazing what a stinking cold and a hideous migraine will do to you. In my case it turned me into a gibbering wreck who, guess what?, was having trouble reminding herself that feeling sick and in pain did not mean that she still has cancer. Well, it was more like flashbacks I think; I just felt like I had slipped back 2 years. Because 2 years? That's when I was waiting....waiting, waiting, waiting. This time 2 years ago I was waiting for the results of my biopsy and ultrasound. And it really has unsettled me again - last year I thought that it was just because it was the first time around; too close and too raw but actually I've felt pretty terrified and unsettled this time around too. Blah blah - only 2 years; blah blah - don't be hard on yourself; blah blah - it takes time; blah blah - everyone's different. Etc, etc, etc. I know, I've heard it all.
And I keep telling myself that progress has been made - that this time a year ago I was in floods of tears every day - great, hulking, ugly wailing fits; not those genteel sobs of films and TV programmes. But now I feel like the sadness has no outlet; like it's solidifying in me and solidifying me into the snow-queen again. She who can feel nothing, know nothing, is nothing.
Ah me, ah my, the self-pity begins again.....

3 comments:

Martha said...

You were quite young when diagnosed with cancer, and it wasn't that long ago that you were in the midst of treatment. I was impatient with my own recovery from breat cancer. Once my body was "clear" of cancerous cells I had a hard time allowing myself to be sad, angry, et cetera. I was alive! Wasn't I supposed to be HAPPY?

Diagnosis and treatment is more than a physical blow. What I want doesn't matter a BIT, but do wish you'd show yourself the same patienced that you'd likely show a friend in the same situation. You've been through a lot. You'll find your equilibrium in time. :)

Minerva said...

It is worse afterwards than during. Somehow one gets innured to 'life on the edge' and when you have to slot back into a normality and you don't FEEL normal, then it is hard...

This is actually the time you need support most, I think...Go and see someone, talk to somebody, get those feelings OUT...

Minerva

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