Brownies and Guides

I like my brownies and guides - honest - they're just utterly exhausting.

Especially since two of the guides are totally at each other's throats. The put-down of the evening is saying that everything is 'ghetto'. Whatever the heck that means......

Brownies are scarily full of energy, guides are totally unable to listen. THE BICKERING!!!! It was just like my brother and I - we were superb bickerers - now I start to know how my parents felt. Sorry folks!

And hey, at least spending 2 1/2 hours doing brownies and guides takes my mind off everything else.

I've been thinking lots about the girl I met who's younger than I am and has breast cancer too - her surgery was on Monday and she was, needless to say, pretty scared and unhappy. I haven't heard from her - hopefully all her family and friends are carrying her along but I hope she's OK. I've been thinking about her all this week.

It's hard because it brings back all the memories of my surgery and that time and it's tough stuff to remember. In some ways I find it harder to remember than it was to go through it. Because then I knew it would end - the memories don't end and they still have the capacity to upset me and I end up with this mantra going round and round: "It's done, it's over, it's just a memory"

But it doesn't help.

They tell me I'm still grieving but I feel like it will never end. They tell me that it's normal but I still feel like a dysfunctional freak. Elaine got quite cross with me when I said that last week - in a caring way - saying that I was wrong to call myself that, that it was normal, that she expects me to find this hard. But underneath all that I still feel dysfunctional.

Ouch - my fingers hurt as I type coz my shitty nails are digging into the side of fingers as I type. I'll be so glad when the rest of them grow out. At least they didn't fall out which is what various people were predicting (haha!) Did I mention that my body is utterly contrary and does what it damn well pleases??

My oncologist called me a 'challenging woman' the last time I saw her and said it was a compliment. I think that's what's got me through all this, to be honest - sheer determination and stubbornness. I like my oncologist very much - she's a challenging woman too and if I'm anything like her then I ought to be OK in life. If I can only find that bit of me and believe in it hard enough.

Elaine says I will get there - I'm not sure I want to. I like being looked after. I like being fragile. I don't want to be the snow-queen, ice-maiden, person-who-does-it-all anymore.

No more.