Haven't we met here before?

It's amazing what a stinking cold and a hideous migraine will do to you. In my case it turned me into a gibbering wreck who, guess what?, was having trouble reminding herself that feeling sick and in pain did not mean that she still has cancer. Well, it was more like flashbacks I think; I just felt like I had slipped back 2 years. Because 2 years? That's when I was waiting....waiting, waiting, waiting. This time 2 years ago I was waiting for the results of my biopsy and ultrasound. And it really has unsettled me again - last year I thought that it was just because it was the first time around; too close and too raw but actually I've felt pretty terrified and unsettled this time around too. Blah blah - only 2 years; blah blah - don't be hard on yourself; blah blah - it takes time; blah blah - everyone's different. Etc, etc, etc. I know, I've heard it all.
And I keep telling myself that progress has been made - that this time a year ago I was in floods of tears every day - great, hulking, ugly wailing fits; not those genteel sobs of films and TV programmes. But now I feel like the sadness has no outlet; like it's solidifying in me and solidifying me into the snow-queen again. She who can feel nothing, know nothing, is nothing.
Ah me, ah my, the self-pity begins again.....

Here today, where tomorrow?

I think the world is swirling around me and I am stuck - stuck in sludge. It stinks, it's uncomfortable, it's horrible but it's known and comfortable in an odd way. I don't want to be here but the unknown, the fear is too great to move. I don't want to talk about this because then I might have to face up to it and I might have to admit that I am holding myself in this terrible place and then I might have to be brave and try to move something, somewhere, somehow. And I don't want to do this. It is too frightening.

And then I feel so ashamed of being so paralyzed - I am lucky, so far. I am not of the people who are facing recurrance, mets - or not yet, anyway. See how I always have to qualify my statements - I don't trust that I am really free. I could be free but I am so busy preparing myself for the 'what if' or the 'might' that I can't see or enjoy the 'now'. And one day my time might be up and I will have missed the freedom, the time I could have had will be gone.....