Wednesday, April 05, 2006

I am so assaulted by the memories - of silly little details. My fingernails are nearly clear again - they were hideous and yellow/orange and stinky because of fungal infection after the Taxotere. It's just my thumbnails that are all ridged - you can feel a ridge for each chemotherapy treatment and one is still kind of purple and malformed. It's kind of warped and curled out of shape. They're growing out slowly - as are my toenails. But I was more upset by the prospect of my nails falling out that I ever was at the thought of losing my hair.
It was after the first Taxotere treatment that my hands started to turn hideous. It started with a red, slightly crusty rash on my hands which I was told to take anti-histamines for (they didn't help); then the rash started to peel off. Eventually, all the skin between my fingers and thumbs, on my palms, around my nails peeled off. I looked like I had some sort of plague. I slathered my hands (and feet - it was my feet too) with E45/aqueous cream in order to try and stop it being too bad. I had to wash with it too - soap aggravated it all - and that meant washing my whole body in aqueous cream because it's a bit difficult to wash without using your hands....
I almost don't want it to clear up - because I lose touch with the reality of what happened. And, for some reason, it feels important to hang on to the reality: even though the reality makes me feel bad. That badness and sadness is a known quantity and if there's one thing we've learned about me: it's that I don't like unknowns.....
I would rather cling on to feeling bad than let go and make room for good stuff.

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