It's amazing what a stinking cold and a hideous migraine will do to you. In my case it turned me into a gibbering wreck who, guess what?, was having trouble reminding herself that feeling sick and in pain did not mean that she still has cancer. Well, it was more like flashbacks I think; I just felt like I had slipped back 2 years. Because 2 years? That's when I was waiting....waiting, waiting, waiting. This time 2 years ago I was waiting for the results of my biopsy and ultrasound. And it really has unsettled me again - last year I thought that it was just because it was the first time around; too close and too raw but actually I've felt pretty terrified and unsettled this time around too. Blah blah - only 2 years; blah blah - don't be hard on yourself; blah blah - it takes time; blah blah - everyone's different. Etc, etc, etc. I know, I've heard it all.
And I keep telling myself that progress has been made - that this time a year ago I was in floods of tears every day - great, hulking, ugly wailing fits; not those genteel sobs of films and TV programmes. But now I feel like the sadness has no outlet; like it's solidifying in me and solidifying me into the snow-queen again. She who can feel nothing, know nothing, is nothing.
Ah me, ah my, the self-pity begins again.....
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Here today, where tomorrow?
I think the world is swirling around me and I am stuck - stuck in sludge. It stinks, it's uncomfortable, it's horrible but it's known and comfortable in an odd way. I don't want to be here but the unknown, the fear is too great to move. I don't want to talk about this because then I might have to face up to it and I might have to admit that I am holding myself in this terrible place and then I might have to be brave and try to move something, somewhere, somehow. And I don't want to do this. It is too frightening.
And then I feel so ashamed of being so paralyzed - I am lucky, so far. I am not of the people who are facing recurrance, mets - or not yet, anyway. See how I always have to qualify my statements - I don't trust that I am really free. I could be free but I am so busy preparing myself for the 'what if' or the 'might' that I can't see or enjoy the 'now'. And one day my time might be up and I will have missed the freedom, the time I could have had will be gone.....
And then I feel so ashamed of being so paralyzed - I am lucky, so far. I am not of the people who are facing recurrance, mets - or not yet, anyway. See how I always have to qualify my statements - I don't trust that I am really free. I could be free but I am so busy preparing myself for the 'what if' or the 'might' that I can't see or enjoy the 'now'. And one day my time might be up and I will have missed the freedom, the time I could have had will be gone.....
Friday, January 26, 2007
Green, green, green - it used to be my favourite color
So, have you heard the one about sugar feeding cancer cells; so apparently you shouldn't eat sugar?
And have you heard the one about dairy being full of hormones and fat that increase your risk of cancer; so apparently you shouldn't eat dairy products?
And, have you heard the one about 'acid ash' - foods that make your body 'acidic' and therefore make you get cancer; so don't eat any of them?
And then there are the free radicals (apparently they're not a political party, who knew?)
Then there's the whole wheat - no-wheat dilemma. Fibre: good, BUT - apparently even whole-wheat isn't a whole grain....so, other grains are better, aren't they?
Alcohol? Don't make me laugh! Heard the one about "a group of scientists who analysed almost 100 previous studies [and] found that every daily alcoholic drink increases a woman’s breast cancer risk by 10%"? (Key, J., et al., Meta-analysis of Studies of Alcohol and Breast Cancer with Consideration of the Methodological Issues. Cancer Causes Control, 2006. 17(6): p. 759-770)
Oh, and meat - apparently meat feeds cancer cells too. So, better give that up - and you've given up dairy too so you're heading for veganism now. (not that there's anything wrong with being a vegan in and of itself)
So, what to eat?
Broccoli is about as far as I've gotten. Yum. Endless broccoli.
I get this far and I'm totally perplexed. I can't follow all these diets; I just can't. I'll be miserable and grumpy all the time - and what's the point in being alive if the life I end up with is one where I'm miserable and grumpy?
Oh, and I left out the juicing and seeds, or juicing seeds, or something. Not fruit. Beetroots and carrots etc.
Did I mention the being miserable and grumpy? Because now I feel guilty virtually every time I eat anything - which makes me want to rebel and eat lots of really crap food.
And have you heard the one about dairy being full of hormones and fat that increase your risk of cancer; so apparently you shouldn't eat dairy products?
And, have you heard the one about 'acid ash' - foods that make your body 'acidic' and therefore make you get cancer; so don't eat any of them?
And then there are the free radicals (apparently they're not a political party, who knew?)
Then there's the whole wheat - no-wheat dilemma. Fibre: good, BUT - apparently even whole-wheat isn't a whole grain....so, other grains are better, aren't they?
Alcohol? Don't make me laugh! Heard the one about "a group of scientists who analysed almost 100 previous studies [and] found that every daily alcoholic drink increases a woman’s breast cancer risk by 10%"? (Key, J., et al., Meta-analysis of Studies of Alcohol and Breast Cancer with Consideration of the Methodological Issues. Cancer Causes Control, 2006. 17(6): p. 759-770)
Oh, and meat - apparently meat feeds cancer cells too. So, better give that up - and you've given up dairy too so you're heading for veganism now. (not that there's anything wrong with being a vegan in and of itself)
So, what to eat?
Broccoli is about as far as I've gotten. Yum. Endless broccoli.
I get this far and I'm totally perplexed. I can't follow all these diets; I just can't. I'll be miserable and grumpy all the time - and what's the point in being alive if the life I end up with is one where I'm miserable and grumpy?
Oh, and I left out the juicing and seeds, or juicing seeds, or something. Not fruit. Beetroots and carrots etc.
Did I mention the being miserable and grumpy? Because now I feel guilty virtually every time I eat anything - which makes me want to rebel and eat lots of really crap food.
Now - broccoli juice anyone?
Thursday, January 25, 2007
I haven't given up yet!
OK - I went away for a while, and then I came back and caught up on my links and Minerva is kicking cancer's ass again. I'm so sorry Minerva - you don't deserve it but somehow you keep kicking ass.
::Good thoughts/vibes:: in your direction.
I remember, and my nerves twang when I remember my Taxotere (Docetaxol) run. In fact, I definitely have more aches since taxotere. Taxotere pain had a nasty habit of settling in places where I already had aches; my hip joints for example. Like it was searching out my weak spots and rubbing its hands with glee at the thought of causing more pain. It was just unescapable. The grand solution for this pain from the doctors? Ibuprofen; and when I complained that that only took the edge off for about half an hour and then I had to wait another 3 and a half hours until I could take something else they suggested taking paracetamol in between. Right. Uhhuh. They even gave me codeine after my portocath surgery, for heaven's sake! Had little effect and in the end they reduced the dosage of the taxotere - after all, the skin on my hands and feet was falling off; my feet and hands were tingling - I couldn't tie my shoes properly, peel oranges, open cans or unscrew bottles; my nails got a fungal infection under them and went orange - very attractive!
But, hey! You know all this. I've said it all before. But it's still there. This is the trouble. I can't escape this - it's happened. I get reminded every day when I see my scar, when I feel the pull across my chest. It reminds me that I have one breast, that I had cancer - and then all the fear and the memories get pulled back into me. How do escape this? Before Christmas while I fretted about waiting for the results of my smear test I thought to myself 'I can't take this anymore; I can't stand it - I'll just stop eating and then I'll fade away and I won't have to feel anything'
Insane. I know. I am heartened by the fact that I thought this while staring out the window on the third floor of my maisonnette which has scaffolding outside it - where I could have climbed out of and three floors is pretty far up... But it didn't even occur to me - which makes me feel comforted; that I didn't mean it. I didn't want to end my life - I wanted to end the fear and the sadness; and that isn't the same thing.
And yes, I have confessed this to my counsellor and she is not worried; so don't you be either. And kindly keep any tickings off and scoldings to yourself. I don't want to hear about offending God, going to hell or anything else, thanks. If that's all you can say then keep it to yourself. Thanks!
In other news.
I have yet again missed De-Lurking week. I keep meaning to; I wish it was in May - May would be a much better month. I hibernate in January. Which is why I haven't really been here. It's like January doesn't exist; after Christmas I seem to be in February before I know it.
I saw my mum for a week. A whole week out of one year. I survived a year post-cancer in a world where I know that life is *SHORT* and I saw my mum for a week. That is so shit. Why am I not just doing what I want? What I feel like? Why aren't I still being selfish and taking what I want?
His nibs won't declare his intentions in Pizza Express. He said so. We were talking about my working and what will happen when I move to the new house in Northampton and I confessed that I was skittish about not being independent - that I felt it was wrong not to support myself and he so sweetly said that we were a partnership and neither of us had to do everything ourselves, we could rely on the other person. Sweet - the man is sweet. I then plucked up the courage to finally ask if he thought it would be legal partnership and he said that I knew he always did things properly (or something like that) but that I didn't expect him to declare his intentions in Pizza Express. Well, no. I suppose not. But, ::smile::, that does sound like there might be some intention declaration in the future. And I'm actually happy to have some warning, as it were.
Today I gave my unstinting opinion on mastectomy bras. So far I have bought all of mine from the same place - a little shop called Nicola Jane with specialist fitters who are lovely and kind. They looked after me so kindly and gently when I first went there - I needed bras for my prosthesis but I couldn't bear to look at lingerie and Aimee picked out things for me and helped me find some that made me feel good about myself. So, this is the second time they've invited me to come and wear-test some of their new lines. They're looking at the fit and the style and how it works when it's worn. Both times I've found it really interesting and haven't been able to resist saying exactly what I thought! But this time the managing director was there and I went through my whole psychology of underwear spiel - poor chap! He was kind enough to give me his card and let him know if I had any ideas or comments.
So I couldn't resist acquiring a few new things while I was there - they were very kind and let me pick out a free bra to say 'thank you' for my time - nice, black, lace, narrow straps. I can't begin to tell you how important narrow straps are - so many mastectomy bras are what my friend Mol would call 'boulder-holders' with enormously thick straps and general nastiness and they make me feel thoroughly depressed - I won't wear 'em. I also bought a fantastic vest top with a built in, pocketed bra - it looks gorgeous - I'm in love!
Well, after that long absence I've gone on a bit - better drop it now really.
::Good thoughts/vibes:: in your direction.
I remember, and my nerves twang when I remember my Taxotere (Docetaxol) run. In fact, I definitely have more aches since taxotere. Taxotere pain had a nasty habit of settling in places where I already had aches; my hip joints for example. Like it was searching out my weak spots and rubbing its hands with glee at the thought of causing more pain. It was just unescapable. The grand solution for this pain from the doctors? Ibuprofen; and when I complained that that only took the edge off for about half an hour and then I had to wait another 3 and a half hours until I could take something else they suggested taking paracetamol in between. Right. Uhhuh. They even gave me codeine after my portocath surgery, for heaven's sake! Had little effect and in the end they reduced the dosage of the taxotere - after all, the skin on my hands and feet was falling off; my feet and hands were tingling - I couldn't tie my shoes properly, peel oranges, open cans or unscrew bottles; my nails got a fungal infection under them and went orange - very attractive!
But, hey! You know all this. I've said it all before. But it's still there. This is the trouble. I can't escape this - it's happened. I get reminded every day when I see my scar, when I feel the pull across my chest. It reminds me that I have one breast, that I had cancer - and then all the fear and the memories get pulled back into me. How do escape this? Before Christmas while I fretted about waiting for the results of my smear test I thought to myself 'I can't take this anymore; I can't stand it - I'll just stop eating and then I'll fade away and I won't have to feel anything'
Insane. I know. I am heartened by the fact that I thought this while staring out the window on the third floor of my maisonnette which has scaffolding outside it - where I could have climbed out of and three floors is pretty far up... But it didn't even occur to me - which makes me feel comforted; that I didn't mean it. I didn't want to end my life - I wanted to end the fear and the sadness; and that isn't the same thing.
And yes, I have confessed this to my counsellor and she is not worried; so don't you be either. And kindly keep any tickings off and scoldings to yourself. I don't want to hear about offending God, going to hell or anything else, thanks. If that's all you can say then keep it to yourself. Thanks!
In other news.
I have yet again missed De-Lurking week. I keep meaning to; I wish it was in May - May would be a much better month. I hibernate in January. Which is why I haven't really been here. It's like January doesn't exist; after Christmas I seem to be in February before I know it.
I saw my mum for a week. A whole week out of one year. I survived a year post-cancer in a world where I know that life is *SHORT* and I saw my mum for a week. That is so shit. Why am I not just doing what I want? What I feel like? Why aren't I still being selfish and taking what I want?
His nibs won't declare his intentions in Pizza Express. He said so. We were talking about my working and what will happen when I move to the new house in Northampton and I confessed that I was skittish about not being independent - that I felt it was wrong not to support myself and he so sweetly said that we were a partnership and neither of us had to do everything ourselves, we could rely on the other person. Sweet - the man is sweet. I then plucked up the courage to finally ask if he thought it would be legal partnership and he said that I knew he always did things properly (or something like that) but that I didn't expect him to declare his intentions in Pizza Express. Well, no. I suppose not. But, ::smile::, that does sound like there might be some intention declaration in the future. And I'm actually happy to have some warning, as it were.
Today I gave my unstinting opinion on mastectomy bras. So far I have bought all of mine from the same place - a little shop called Nicola Jane with specialist fitters who are lovely and kind. They looked after me so kindly and gently when I first went there - I needed bras for my prosthesis but I couldn't bear to look at lingerie and Aimee picked out things for me and helped me find some that made me feel good about myself. So, this is the second time they've invited me to come and wear-test some of their new lines. They're looking at the fit and the style and how it works when it's worn. Both times I've found it really interesting and haven't been able to resist saying exactly what I thought! But this time the managing director was there and I went through my whole psychology of underwear spiel - poor chap! He was kind enough to give me his card and let him know if I had any ideas or comments.
So I couldn't resist acquiring a few new things while I was there - they were very kind and let me pick out a free bra to say 'thank you' for my time - nice, black, lace, narrow straps. I can't begin to tell you how important narrow straps are - so many mastectomy bras are what my friend Mol would call 'boulder-holders' with enormously thick straps and general nastiness and they make me feel thoroughly depressed - I won't wear 'em. I also bought a fantastic vest top with a built in, pocketed bra - it looks gorgeous - I'm in love!
Well, after that long absence I've gone on a bit - better drop it now really.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Still here, truely
Hullo - I am still here.
I have been debating whether I am going to continue to post here. Part of me feels like it is time to move on a little and that perhaps this is holding me back. In other news, I've been jolly busy since I got back from Christmas: I still haven't taken down my tree. The lights are too pretty! I'm really quite tired after a weekend away with the Peru-trip girls.
Generally, freaking out is still occuring and I am still a heap of misery sometimes. But - I do look back to the posts of a year ago and know that I am not in such a bad place as I was then. I find it very hard to be a few weeks shy of 2 years since my diagnosis. I can no longer say to people that I had cancer last year - no more excuses, no more explanations. And that makes me feel like I ought not to still be obsessing over it in my head any longer. But I am. So there.
Off for dinner now.
Perhaps I will be back in time.
Think of me as sitting on my time-out step thinking about what I've done (or what's happened to me)
T'ra for now!
I have been debating whether I am going to continue to post here. Part of me feels like it is time to move on a little and that perhaps this is holding me back. In other news, I've been jolly busy since I got back from Christmas: I still haven't taken down my tree. The lights are too pretty! I'm really quite tired after a weekend away with the Peru-trip girls.
Generally, freaking out is still occuring and I am still a heap of misery sometimes. But - I do look back to the posts of a year ago and know that I am not in such a bad place as I was then. I find it very hard to be a few weeks shy of 2 years since my diagnosis. I can no longer say to people that I had cancer last year - no more excuses, no more explanations. And that makes me feel like I ought not to still be obsessing over it in my head any longer. But I am. So there.
Off for dinner now.
Perhaps I will be back in time.
Think of me as sitting on my time-out step thinking about what I've done (or what's happened to me)
T'ra for now!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Christmas
What to say?
I have a Christmas tree, I've written cards, I've made Christmas cake and mulled wine, we went to 9 lessons and carols this evening - I'm booked to fly out to the good old US of A to see my family on Christmas Day and yet I feel totally blah. I love Christmas, I just don't feel much like it just now.
I have a Christmas tree, I've written cards, I've made Christmas cake and mulled wine, we went to 9 lessons and carols this evening - I'm booked to fly out to the good old US of A to see my family on Christmas Day and yet I feel totally blah. I love Christmas, I just don't feel much like it just now.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Christmas? Surely it's only October?!
Urgle.
Having a wonks phase and things have gone a bit to pieces. Panic and all that - unwarrented, I believe - but that doesn't make it go away now, does it?
Urgle.
I haven't got time for it to be Dec 13th - Christmas is too soon! I need another month at least so I can do all the other stuff, never mind anything Christmassy. And I need my head not to be imagining the worst about every twinge I have.
Gah.
Urgle.
Pah.
Bah humbug and all that.
Having a wonks phase and things have gone a bit to pieces. Panic and all that - unwarrented, I believe - but that doesn't make it go away now, does it?
Urgle.
I haven't got time for it to be Dec 13th - Christmas is too soon! I need another month at least so I can do all the other stuff, never mind anything Christmassy. And I need my head not to be imagining the worst about every twinge I have.
Gah.
Urgle.
Pah.
Bah humbug and all that.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Winning and winning
Wow - I was so excited about winning something in NaBloPoMo - mostly because I really was not expecting to. I never expected to get that email in my inbox or see my blog-name on Fussy, so I've felt a little bit bad reading some of the comments on the Winners post on Fussy.
Now, I'm not calling you all a big bunch of whiners - really! I'm not! (That wasn't the great British sarcasm either) And I'm sure most comments were for humour but I did feel a teensy bit bad that some people felt left out. Would I have felt left out if it hadn't been me? Well, I probably would have felt vindicated in my 'I never win anything, the world is against me, I had cancer after all' gray thoughts - but because that's where my doldrum-my life is at the moment I wouldn't have been surprised. Consequently, I am still quietly, excitedly, pleased. And I get a little smile and I do that thing where you raise your shoulders, grin and kind of wriggle....Hmm, that really is a physical 'thing' not a wordy 'thing', isn't it? All I can say is, follow the instructions: try it out and you'll get what I mean (You will! I promise!). And hey, it is just a t-shirt - a super-duper red Fussy t-shirt to be sure - but it wasn't a bazillion dollars, or something....(unless I can sell it on ebay - can I sell it on ebay? NO! Joke. I am looking forward to wearing it, my good self.)
In other news - my oncology consultant says I am 'normal' - I am bizarrely insulted by this - I want to be 'special' not 'normal'. But, on the other hand it does mean that I'm beating back the beast and for that I am truly grateful. I'd sell my soul to the devil for that, I'd sell my Fussy t-shirt to the devil for that. If being 'normal' forever means I can say I played with cancer and won then I'll take it. Thank you Alison! She always reassures me.
Now, I'm not calling you all a big bunch of whiners - really! I'm not! (That wasn't the great British sarcasm either) And I'm sure most comments were for humour but I did feel a teensy bit bad that some people felt left out. Would I have felt left out if it hadn't been me? Well, I probably would have felt vindicated in my 'I never win anything, the world is against me, I had cancer after all' gray thoughts - but because that's where my doldrum-my life is at the moment I wouldn't have been surprised. Consequently, I am still quietly, excitedly, pleased. And I get a little smile and I do that thing where you raise your shoulders, grin and kind of wriggle....Hmm, that really is a physical 'thing' not a wordy 'thing', isn't it? All I can say is, follow the instructions: try it out and you'll get what I mean (You will! I promise!). And hey, it is just a t-shirt - a super-duper red Fussy t-shirt to be sure - but it wasn't a bazillion dollars, or something....(unless I can sell it on ebay - can I sell it on ebay? NO! Joke. I am looking forward to wearing it, my good self.)
In other news - my oncology consultant says I am 'normal' - I am bizarrely insulted by this - I want to be 'special' not 'normal'. But, on the other hand it does mean that I'm beating back the beast and for that I am truly grateful. I'd sell my soul to the devil for that, I'd sell my Fussy t-shirt to the devil for that. If being 'normal' forever means I can say I played with cancer and won then I'll take it. Thank you Alison! She always reassures me.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
NaBloPoMo Results!
EXCEPT......
No! I won a Fussy t-shirt!!
Me, the me who never wins anything,
the me whom I was pretty sure the fates had destined for dismal, catastrophic demise. But no, the Random Number Generator feature in Microsoft Excel was just waiting for me! And very pleased I shall be with my t-shirt - thank you so much M. Kennedy (and the Random Number Generator feature in Microsoft Excel - Excel shall now forever be my favourite Microsoft Office program; except when it arses up my spreadsheets of course!)
So, of course, now I'm saying to myself that perhaps it's a sign! A sign that I am not destined to be sent for rounds of tests at my consultant's apptmt tomorrow. Perhaps the odds are with me! Or, perhaps I just won a t-shirt.
(I won a t-shirt, peeps! Did you know?!)
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Eat, drink and be merry
I think I'm worried about the kittens....that's why I still feel obliged to post.
The dinner, well - it could have been better. It would definitely have been better if we'd made sure the vicar and his wife realised that we'd moved before the day of the dinner....whoops! I may have suggested this at some point over the last week. Hmmm. Yes.
The food did not turn out as well as I would have liked - although I did make Panna Cotta for the first time and that did turn out nicely but the Poor Man's Cassoulet was nowhere nearly as nice as the last time I made it.....maybe it was different sausages, but it should have been *richer* tasting than it turned out. I don't know. Pah.
We also finished the moving and Sibi came and cleaned out the old house - hooray! I was glad we managed to get that done so she could clean everywhere; otherwise it would have been us having to do it next weekend and I can think of other things I'd rather do! (Or, need to do) Such as getting set for our mulled wine and mincepie drop-in in a couple of weeks. Argh! Why do I think these things are a good idea!?
Now I have to make gazillions of mince pies.....
Fardles.
The dinner, well - it could have been better. It would definitely have been better if we'd made sure the vicar and his wife realised that we'd moved before the day of the dinner....whoops! I may have suggested this at some point over the last week. Hmmm. Yes.
The food did not turn out as well as I would have liked - although I did make Panna Cotta for the first time and that did turn out nicely but the Poor Man's Cassoulet was nowhere nearly as nice as the last time I made it.....maybe it was different sausages, but it should have been *richer* tasting than it turned out. I don't know. Pah.
We also finished the moving and Sibi came and cleaned out the old house - hooray! I was glad we managed to get that done so she could clean everywhere; otherwise it would have been us having to do it next weekend and I can think of other things I'd rather do! (Or, need to do) Such as getting set for our mulled wine and mincepie drop-in in a couple of weeks. Argh! Why do I think these things are a good idea!?
Now I have to make gazillions of mince pies.....
Fardles.
I know something you don't know!
NaBloPoMo was *so* worth it!! Why? Well, you'll just have to check out M. Kennedy tomorrow, won't you?
Hee hee.
Hee hee.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
The day off
Well, I had a day off but it did seem strange not to have to post last night; although after I got back from trying to show guides how to do glass painting, teabag folding and talking to one about her BP Challenge work and several others about DofE service work I was mostly ready for bed rather than posting!
Rushing off to see the house (yay! house!) and cook dinner for fancy folks from David's church. Tell you all tomorrow because the new house is, of course, the land of the deaded DIAL-UP.....urgle.
Rushing off to see the house (yay! house!) and cook dinner for fancy folks from David's church. Tell you all tomorrow because the new house is, of course, the land of the deaded DIAL-UP.....urgle.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Sayonara NaBloPoMo
So, this is the last post of NaBloPoMo - I ought to make it worthwhile really but I'm a bit too busy here waiting for the phone to ring. Long story, never mind.
What have I learned from NaBloPoMo - there's a lot to say even when you don't think there is. I didn't get as much posted as I wanted to however - I'd really hoped to finish a bit more of my whole story of last year but it takes so long to write those posts and I have so many other things going on at the moment that I still didn't manage it. I will, slowly, obviously. I don't think I'm going to Holidailies - a brief respite is needed I think. Plus I really need to do things like write Christmas cards and the like.
I also haven't read as much or commented as much as I wanted to - I'm so bad. Bum.
All in all, an interesting experience and good for the discipline I think. It's been good for me to post every day I think and I shall try to make sure I post a little more regularly than I had been doing. So I guess all there is to say is that no kittens died because of me and
Watch this space.....
What have I learned from NaBloPoMo - there's a lot to say even when you don't think there is. I didn't get as much posted as I wanted to however - I'd really hoped to finish a bit more of my whole story of last year but it takes so long to write those posts and I have so many other things going on at the moment that I still didn't manage it. I will, slowly, obviously. I don't think I'm going to Holidailies - a brief respite is needed I think. Plus I really need to do things like write Christmas cards and the like.
I also haven't read as much or commented as much as I wanted to - I'm so bad. Bum.
All in all, an interesting experience and good for the discipline I think. It's been good for me to post every day I think and I shall try to make sure I post a little more regularly than I had been doing. So I guess all there is to say is that no kittens died because of me and
Watch this space.....
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Sailing, sailing....
I'm watching me some Coast -I do love this programme - it's so fascinating. All about the coast, it's formation, it's wildlife, the people who live around the coast of the UK.
I do love the sea - the sea, not the ocean. The ocean made me very sick when we sailed across the Atlantic in December when I was about 11. On the Queen Elizabeth II, no
less.
It was very luxurious but that's kind of beside the point when you can't leave your cabin because you keep vomiting. My brother spectacularly threw up in a potted plant as well as over the side. I just threw up in the cabin - I was obviously practising for chemotherapy.... Wow. That is so odd - to think of myself as that child and to know think that that child was going to get cancer. My dad didn't feel so hot either. On the other hand, my mother, who loathes flying, was perfectly fine and enjoying herself. She was known to come back into the cabin saying things like 'the waves are coming up to the top deck!' - really? Well, that's exactly what it feels like - funny that!
It was so rough that the first night out of Southampton they had to empty the water out of the indoor swimming pool because there were waves *inside* the ship.....
Ick.
The dreadful thing was the fact that you couldn't escape it. It's the same with all nausea, I know - but it's so hideous.
I do love the sea - the sea, not the ocean. The ocean made me very sick when we sailed across the Atlantic in December when I was about 11. On the Queen Elizabeth II, no
less. It was very luxurious but that's kind of beside the point when you can't leave your cabin because you keep vomiting. My brother spectacularly threw up in a potted plant as well as over the side. I just threw up in the cabin - I was obviously practising for chemotherapy.... Wow. That is so odd - to think of myself as that child and to know think that that child was going to get cancer. My dad didn't feel so hot either. On the other hand, my mother, who loathes flying, was perfectly fine and enjoying herself. She was known to come back into the cabin saying things like 'the waves are coming up to the top deck!' - really? Well, that's exactly what it feels like - funny that!
It was so rough that the first night out of Southampton they had to empty the water out of the indoor swimming pool because there were waves *inside* the ship.....
Ick.
The dreadful thing was the fact that you couldn't escape it. It's the same with all nausea, I know - but it's so hideous.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Enough
What to say today, what to say.....
I had some very sweet comments, which I wasn't fishing for, and I certainly wasn't criticising the few of you who do stop by and comment. But there are a lot of *other* people who, I can see from my stats, don't stop and don't comment.
But anyway, enough of that....
In fact, I have nothing to say today - I am too sad to hear about Laurie and the whole issue with my guides has blown up again...
Plus, it's my 3 monthly consultant check-up next week and I'm anxious. The phantom discomfort in my right leg is preying on my mind.
Enough. Enough. Enough.
I had some very sweet comments, which I wasn't fishing for, and I certainly wasn't criticising the few of you who do stop by and comment. But there are a lot of *other* people who, I can see from my stats, don't stop and don't comment.
But anyway, enough of that....
In fact, I have nothing to say today - I am too sad to hear about Laurie and the whole issue with my guides has blown up again...
Plus, it's my 3 monthly consultant check-up next week and I'm anxious. The phantom discomfort in my right leg is preying on my mind.
Enough. Enough. Enough.
Monday, November 27, 2006
The big 100
Hey, yesterday was my 100th post!
I didn't even notice!
Howzat?!
I didn't even know until now that there was a "Colossal Meal Replacement Bar" called the Big100 - but now I do! And so do you!
Actually, I didn't even know there was such a thing as a "Colossal Meal Replacement Bar" - and I'm really impressed that it's colossal.....I'd hate it to be all minuscule! ;) It's too bad I shall never be a muscle-bound babe now - no weight-lifting for me - all that lymphoedema fear and caution, you know.... So, I'll never have occasion to eat a Big100 - shame, they come in tempting flavours too: Apple pie, cookie dough, graham cracker - don't you just want to be a weight-lifter type person now?
Actually, to digress, that's one of the things you can't get in this country: Graham crackers (or plain Cheerios, or Annie's Mac 'n' Cheese - or Bernie Bunny as we refer to it in our household) Seems so silly, doesn't it? I also miss serious ice cream flavours - black raspberry, maple walnut, peppermint stick....mmmmm - yum. Also, no one here knows what jimmies are. And you can't get a raspberry-lime rickey. I must stop now - I'm getting a sugar high without having even eaten these things......
mmmmm - ice cream - what's your favourite flavour?
I didn't even notice!
Howzat?!
I didn't even know until now that there was a "Colossal Meal Replacement Bar" called the Big100 - but now I do! And so do you!Actually, I didn't even know there was such a thing as a "Colossal Meal Replacement Bar" - and I'm really impressed that it's colossal.....I'd hate it to be all minuscule! ;) It's too bad I shall never be a muscle-bound babe now - no weight-lifting for me - all that lymphoedema fear and caution, you know.... So, I'll never have occasion to eat a Big100 - shame, they come in tempting flavours too: Apple pie, cookie dough, graham cracker - don't you just want to be a weight-lifter type person now?
Actually, to digress, that's one of the things you can't get in this country: Graham crackers (or plain Cheerios, or Annie's Mac 'n' Cheese - or Bernie Bunny as we refer to it in our household) Seems so silly, doesn't it? I also miss serious ice cream flavours - black raspberry, maple walnut, peppermint stick....mmmmm - yum. Also, no one here knows what jimmies are. And you can't get a raspberry-lime rickey. I must stop now - I'm getting a sugar high without having even eaten these things......
mmmmm - ice cream - what's your favourite flavour?
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Love 'n' stuff
Well, well, well, (the three holes in the ground...) 5 days left to the end of NaBloPoMo. I think I'm going to make it - they definitely haven't all been terribly scintilating posts; but I have got into a bit of a habit and I think that's a good thing: even if I'm talking to just about no-one.
People whizz by but don't stop - I'm not surprised; it's not a thrilling blog full of my exploits; it's not a 'baby blog' full of fuzzy photos and it does include the word 'cancer' fairly prominently on the first page which does tend to scare people away.
I don't blame people who run away from things cancer-related. Cancer *is* scary - we're all afraid of it really, I think. It's something living in us; threatening our very being and we aren't even aware that it's there for a while. If that isn't scary then I don't know what is. But we exist - people with cancer, people who've had cancer - we exist; and that cancer is part of who we've become and it's hard to ignore or pretend that it isn't. So. I'm not hiding it. So. Think a moment before you run away.
In nicer news - I got to do mass baby-cuddling yesterday - bliss. And I got to feed her. She's very bonny and so talkative! All these funny noises; grunts and things - sweet! I hadn't really noticed that in previous baby-experiences. Ooh, she's a clingy little thing too. She won't sleep unless she's held and ends up sleeping on her mum most of the night. I'm so excited to think that I get to see her grow up.
::blissed out::
People whizz by but don't stop - I'm not surprised; it's not a thrilling blog full of my exploits; it's not a 'baby blog' full of fuzzy photos and it does include the word 'cancer' fairly prominently on the first page which does tend to scare people away.
I don't blame people who run away from things cancer-related. Cancer *is* scary - we're all afraid of it really, I think. It's something living in us; threatening our very being and we aren't even aware that it's there for a while. If that isn't scary then I don't know what is. But we exist - people with cancer, people who've had cancer - we exist; and that cancer is part of who we've become and it's hard to ignore or pretend that it isn't. So. I'm not hiding it. So. Think a moment before you run away.
In nicer news - I got to do mass baby-cuddling yesterday - bliss. And I got to feed her. She's very bonny and so talkative! All these funny noises; grunts and things - sweet! I hadn't really noticed that in previous baby-experiences. Ooh, she's a clingy little thing too. She won't sleep unless she's held and ends up sleeping on her mum most of the night. I'm so excited to think that I get to see her grow up.
::blissed out::
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Buy Nothing!
Ooh - today's post early!! Don't get discombobulated! Since I head off back to the land of DIAL-UP again shortly I thought I'd post now - much more civilised.
Today holds a trip to that bastion of Swedish design - yes, IKEA.....
We need to order more kitchen parts since they've skimped on the number of cabinets and the like in the kitchen - V. POOR!
We also need to head to John Lewis for a new TV - the old one has finally kicked the bucket. Or, rather, is driving us mad with its turning itself off repeatedly and having a picture that resembles a striped deckchair. Bye bye TV! Do TV's have a happy hunting ground??
Oh, and I do yearn for a new, fantastic, enormous bed....ahh, space while I sleep - bliss....
All of this on 'Buy Nothing Day' Whoops. Perhaps we'll just look.
Oh - and it's a playing with babies day - yay! I get to meet my best friend's daughter for the first time this afternoon - she's 3 weeks old....more bliss.
Have a happy (non-shopping) day, y'all
Today holds a trip to that bastion of Swedish design - yes, IKEA.....
We need to order more kitchen parts since they've skimped on the number of cabinets and the like in the kitchen - V. POOR!
We also need to head to John Lewis for a new TV - the old one has finally kicked the bucket. Or, rather, is driving us mad with its turning itself off repeatedly and having a picture that resembles a striped deckchair. Bye bye TV! Do TV's have a happy hunting ground??
Oh, and I do yearn for a new, fantastic, enormous bed....ahh, space while I sleep - bliss....
All of this on 'Buy Nothing Day' Whoops. Perhaps we'll just look.
Oh - and it's a playing with babies day - yay! I get to meet my best friend's daughter for the first time this afternoon - she's 3 weeks old....more bliss.
Have a happy (non-shopping) day, y'all
Friday, November 24, 2006
My grammy
This is a belated 'Happy Turkey-Day' to all out there who celebrate. I haven't really this year, what with the moving and all that....
It's also a year since my grammy died - on Thanksgiving Day last year.
She was a fantastic woman who I had great respect for; she had a real sense of adventure - she had a boyfriend who let her fly his small plane; she travelled in England and Scotland on her own a great deal and made friends as she went. In photos of her when she was young she was really beautiful. She wasn't scared to try stuff out - she worked in a hairdressers at one point and she was an operating room aide at another point. She loved little kids and whereever she went and saw kids she could attract them - the babies would smile and stare at her, mesmerised. She was a fantastic grammy - she loved my brother and I very dearly and would always bring us Cheerios when she came to England (you can't get the plain kind in the UK even now!!) and she'd send fantastic Christmas parcels with books and toys. But she would do fun stuff with us too - we always used to go and feed the ducks down at Winchester Centre and she'd take us to the library and to the Science Museum or the Chrildren's Museum in Boston. And when she came to the UK she loved to visit York - especially in the Spring time when all the daffofils were covering the banks. It was so sad when the Alzheimers took her over and changed her - she kind of slipped away and it was easy to forget that she was the fantastic person that she was. I miss the woman who always introduced us by saying 'The British are here!' and showed us off to all her friends.
Grammy, I miss you.
It's also a year since my grammy died - on Thanksgiving Day last year.
She was a fantastic woman who I had great respect for; she had a real sense of adventure - she had a boyfriend who let her fly his small plane; she travelled in England and Scotland on her own a great deal and made friends as she went. In photos of her when she was young she was really beautiful. She wasn't scared to try stuff out - she worked in a hairdressers at one point and she was an operating room aide at another point. She loved little kids and whereever she went and saw kids she could attract them - the babies would smile and stare at her, mesmerised. She was a fantastic grammy - she loved my brother and I very dearly and would always bring us Cheerios when she came to England (you can't get the plain kind in the UK even now!!) and she'd send fantastic Christmas parcels with books and toys. But she would do fun stuff with us too - we always used to go and feed the ducks down at Winchester Centre and she'd take us to the library and to the Science Museum or the Chrildren's Museum in Boston. And when she came to the UK she loved to visit York - especially in the Spring time when all the daffofils were covering the banks. It was so sad when the Alzheimers took her over and changed her - she kind of slipped away and it was easy to forget that she was the fantastic person that she was. I miss the woman who always introduced us by saying 'The British are here!' and showed us off to all her friends.
Grammy, I miss you.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
SLOW!!!
Argh!
Dial up! It is slow! I am going insane! It takes minutes to load webpages! Broadband and wireless - I miss you so......
The moving, it did go fairly smoothly....we are in - there are boxes - there is not enough space for all my cooking things in the kitchen. I already miss the kitchen that I designed myself. We can't figure out the timer on the boiler - strange. And the shower is even stranger with one tap working both the shower and the bath depending on which way turn it - bizarre, no?
We went to the pub for dinner and I cried - isn't that interesting? Me, crying? My word - because that never happens....
Pah.
Must toodle now or the dial up will turn me crazy (er)
Dial up! It is slow! I am going insane! It takes minutes to load webpages! Broadband and wireless - I miss you so......
The moving, it did go fairly smoothly....we are in - there are boxes - there is not enough space for all my cooking things in the kitchen. I already miss the kitchen that I designed myself. We can't figure out the timer on the boiler - strange. And the shower is even stranger with one tap working both the shower and the bath depending on which way turn it - bizarre, no?
We went to the pub for dinner and I cried - isn't that interesting? Me, crying? My word - because that never happens....
Pah.
Must toodle now or the dial up will turn me crazy (er)
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