There's a hole in me (bucket)

Am duly poked with needles. It did go in first time; but we're down to the deep veins, so it hurt :( ::snuffle:: Nah, I didn't really snuffle, but not so fun. However it's obviously one of the veins that they've been tapping into further up in the crook of my elbow; so it really started to ache - what with it being hardened up or gone thready or whatever. Fingers crossed for moving onto the tablets soon.
It was also incredibly busy today - and I generally pick Friday's as they're quiet and therefore less stressful.....too many talkers today; plus the woman sitting opposite me who started having some kind of 'turn' after she'd started her drip - makes you feel a touch unsettled.....
Plus, new Zoladex injection; so will be increasedly hot tonight....we walked home (which I used to do regularly) but now I just can't walk that distance without getting *too* *hot* and having to sit down. So of course we got part way and I had to sit on a wall by (one of) the dodgy estate(s). I did contemplate just collapsing on the sidewalk and banging my head on the paving slabs until it went away but restrained myself. ::sigh::, ::hate::, ::winge:: ::/winge::
Blah, blah, you know the refrain - am done now and am all juiced-up for another 4 weeks - you have a reprieve until then (possible)

Done and dusted

Done.
Last hideous Zoladex injection done today by the lovely Melissa (who always does them so very well). It's supposed to last for 4 weeks so *then* hopefully my hormones will start to reassert themselves and I can stop the hot-flushes and all the accompanying, depressing side-effects will fuck off......
In my head I have a little timeline of 2 months. If it's not getting better in 2 months time I'm going to be pissed off.
Please sort yourself out, body!!

we

::sigh::
Compression 'garments' really don't go well with hot flushes.
It's currently taking all my self-control - including muttering to myself under my breath - to stop myself from ripping them off before I explode.
Deeply unattractive - just to add to how great I feel about my body, and they itch. Itch, itch, itch.

The following are some things I'm mostly writing down to remind myself. I'm not sure what they are or if they're 'right' - in general, or for me. We'll see.

We are alone in the world
We want meaning, a place, validation
Our identity and reality is defined by our personal beliefs and ideals - we make our own meaning
We cannot depend on others for our validation
We are free to make our own choices
We are personally responsible for the outcomes of those choices - there is no-one else to blame
Choices come with anxiety - fear of failure, fear of death
BUT
We are also free to make new and different choices; to reinvent ourselves

We are the architects, builders and planners of our own lives
"we are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams"

In other news - one more Zoladex injection to go!! Then, hopefully within a few months my body will revert to having hormones and stop having endless hot flushes. I could try and calculate how many I've had in the last two years but the numbers might get a bit ridiculous.....
Say, 15 a day for 2 years - how many is that?

10,950

That's quite a lot.

Any further questions as to why I am a mixed-up, crazy being??

World's worst

World's worst Zoladex injection this morning. The nurse's hand slipped as she was sticking it in my abdomen and it came out and she had to reinsert it and OW! That flippin' hurt! I think that one's going to be an almighty bruise. I knew it wasn't going to be good when she had to fetch Ivy (Queen of the Chemosuite) to show her how this particular Zoladex injectable worked. Doesn't fill you with confidence, does it?
Plus it took her a really good feel-around to be confident enough to insert the needle to flush my portocath and that's always 'uncomfortable' i.e. it hurts. So a less than good day in the chemosuite - and considering I had to wait over an hour, even when I was there first thing, annoying. I guess I have a hard time accepting that I'm not the priority any more. Which is a good thing. Because being a priority means being really sick and I'm not anymore. So I was cheerful and accommodating and patient but there's a little bit of me that still wants to be looked after - to be the patient not just patient. But not really.
(Please don't send my cancer back just because I admitted that!!!)

T'was surgeon check-up on Tuesday too. All was well there. Well, all except some damn swelling in my hand which he didn't say was lymphoedema but I assume it actually is. It's tiny - you can barely see it but unfortunately I can feel it - my hand is stiff and I have pain down my arm. The surgeons response to this was 'yes, it can happen' - ARGH!!! TYPICAL SURGEON RESPONSE!!!! Pain and discomfort just doesn't register. I'm sitting there thinking 'please tell me what I can do to help make it better', surgeon's head is thinking 'it's only pain, it doesn't matter'. Well, it matters to me! I want my damn arm and hand back! I do not want lymphoedema as a daily reminder of all I've been through.

I'd also really like my knees and ankles not to seize up - sometimes I stand up and I can barely walk because I've stiffened up so much. I'm like a granny and I'm only 29 - this must cease!!

ALSO - the insane sweating has come back. I thought the gabapentin was working but the flushes are getting eviler again - my arms, they sweat!! Whose *arms* sweat?!? I mean, absolutely *dripping* and *running* with sweat. So much so that when I put my arm down on a piece of paper the other day, when I lifted it off again (I was writing) the paper was sodden - wet through and sticking to the desk. I am disgusting and I loathe it. I woke up 3 times last night and at 3 in the morning I had to go downstairs and outside where I lay on the concrete paving slabs outside the back door because they were cool and I just couldn't cool down....
Horridness

'Nuff complaining?? Perhaps so.

::Whaaa::
::Whinge::

Get over it girl - in fact, go and wash off the day's layer of sweat and go to bed to aquire some more.
Deep joy.