Scrambled eggs

Cancer - in cackling tones: "We're in your skull, trying to reach your bra-a-ins! Hahahaha!"

Is what an MRI of my head shows. Which explains the numb patches on my face and in my mouth. Apparently it's squeezing in between the layers of the skull and trapping nerves.
Soooooo, chemo is on hold while we do 5 or 10 doses of radiotherapy to try and fry it on the spot. I keep to meet the clinical oncologist (not the Princess Oncologist - she's a*medical* oncologist) on Tues to discuss and then have planning session ready for the new attack.
People are being positive - I have no perspective so am utterly lost and just being gently nudged around from pillar to post.

We finally had agreement that Fentanyl wasn't for me and am now on Morphine sulphate -
must improved although current dosage doesn't actually seem to be doing much actual pain *killing*. I would argue that if you're spending the day lying down or sitting down in very particular positions so you're comfortable and then are not able to walk around or stand comfortably, then there's still some fiddling with the dosage to do. Comes with it's own set of sfx of course: dry mouth (as in, I don't seem to be able to speak as my entire throat is stuck to itself. sorry.) Constipation on grandiose scale - there are a lot of laxatives out there and I think I'm taking all of them, together, and they're not working too well yet. I do keep pointing out that I haven't *had* food for 48 hours and this might have something of an effect but am being roundly ignored. Seems sensible to me - put nothin in, get nothin out - right?


OH - and in the respite between starting Morphine and the grand sickness that is something to do with my head; I managed to walk into an actual hairdressers and say, "I need my hair cut, I need it cutting short and I need it cutting now. Any chance?" Fortunately the answer was yes and it is Short.(sorry, crappy webcam picture.)








Don't worry - I looked much paler until they put 2 units of blood into me on Friday. Takes bloody forever (hohohoho!) Not sure I feel much better other than behaving like more of a bitch than is really my due. Sorry.

So, it's not everything - but I thought all you lovely people deserved to be kept up to date. Thank you for all your love, messages, thoughts, prayers. It's all appreciated. Ta. :) My mum arrives from the States tomorrow - thank heavens. At least she knows better than to even mention baked beans to a person who has been throwing up for 2 days and is just possibly beginning to think food might be an option......Foolish move, Dear Other, foolish move. As a general tip to the rest of the Universe - Don't Do This. Thank you.

Radiotherapy

Sometimes as I lay on the radiotherapy 'bed' I used to cry. I was laying there, naked to the waist, with my arms above my head, carefully positioned using laser lights lined up with the tatoos they gave me, and I wasn't allowed to move. Everyone else had to leave the room - they had amazing mental arithmetic skills - and they'd all rush out. It's odd to be experiencing something that everyone else can't because it would harm their health. Strange, yes?

And so I would lie there - listening to the music. Because they always had CDs playing - which was so nice. But I fear I will never be able to listen to the Coldplay X&Y album without being transported back to that place; the same goes for some REM songs. And so, I would lie there, tears rolling down my face and into my ears because I couldn't move to wipe them. And I couldn't make a sound and I couldn't *cry* cry, because I couldn't move my body - not to shudder, not to shiver, not to weep.

And sometimes I would be shuddering because it was so cold in there. The machines like it cold and so I would be absolutely shaking with the cold and wishing desperately for a hot flush. I don't know how the radiographers stood it - their hands would be freezing cold as they touched me - moving me around, manipulating me into the right position. They were all, without exception, lovely to me. Another collection of lovely New Zealanders - male and female - plus some others. The names have faded but the faces stay in my memory.

So, sometimes I listen to the music that takes me back there - I don't know why. I like to torture myself and live in the past I suppose.