The end, done, finito etc

Welcome to the end of NaBloPoMo. I made it, you made it reading along. Done and dusted.
Now I can think about Christmas - nearly - tomorrow I can.
Last year I thought that having done a month I'd be much better at posting regularly - it didn't really work out that way. I admit I was somewhat distracted by the whole 'going to Peru' thing; so maybe this year it *will* make a difference.
Watch this space!!

I promised lots of Peru photos at the start and didn't follow through - so maybe we'll finish up with a few more to make up for it.

Sunset

">I've been looking at some excellent pictures on NaBloPoMo so I felt inspired to to share a few more Peru pictures with you. This is in Urubamba where Kiya Survivors have their centre and this is the view from the fantastic hostel we were staying at. The mountains with the sun setting behind them was lovely at the end of a tough day. True, many of my days involved staying at home with whomever was currently being sick; but that can still be pretty tough - especially the days with people who can't stop shaking or who cannot stop being sick. Poor things." border="0" alt="" />

Project Peru 2007

I took this photo in Lima this summer - I'm glad I managed to catch it as we went by on the bus to the airport because it summed up for me quite a lot about the conditions in Lima.

There were some very high class, 'nice' areas in Lima and obviously there were people who earned plenty of money, however there were also some real places where people obviously had very little and this photo with the advertisement for the fancy new car in contrast with the old banger parked in front of it really caught that dichotomy for me.

There were great swathes of Lima that looked like a grand building site. People often seemed to be living in the lower stories whilst new bits were built on top. It looked like shoeboxes stacked one on top of the other and with the steep hills in areas made it look even more like a giant stack. But Peru was full of such friendly people who were all interested in us and were prepared to share their lives with us. They were fantastic.

Finally, this picture is of the statue in El Parque del Amor in the Mireflores area of Lima. A park for lovers with a statue to commemorate love rather than struggle and war.
Lima and Peru were full of fantastically beautiful places - each so incredibly different; but still awesome. I feel so privileged to have been there and seen it - that cancer held back for long enough to let me get there and to have travelled with such a wonderful group of girls and women. Looking back on our photos I realise I miss them all.

Head falling off

Argh! Argh! Argh!
My wireless router is not working....I am having to sit, at my desk, in order to access the internet.
This is appalling. Mostly from the point of view that I am so lazy that having to sit at my desk rather than on the sofa alarms me.....

Mother of all headaches today that refuses to shift - you'll have to entertain yourselves today with some Peru pictures of Aguas Calientes and Machu Picchu:

The illumination, the earthquake and the Andes

Well, I'm home again.
I feel like I've been gone a lifetime and come back as someone else.
Someone else with Peruvian alpaca yarn.

Peru was an experience. Travelling with a group of 16 young women was a fantastic experience. Fantastic humour and courage and tenacity. We had illness and tears and hilarious laughter. I had some moments when I wanted to leave and come home; when I didn't think I could manage the responsibility - but of course, I did - we did. We had Peruvian hospitals and doctors; and we had copious amounts of vomit.

I have comforted so many tearful people and exuded empathy and sympathy from every pore for nearly 3 weeks. Guess what? I'm pretty good at that. If you'd asked me what I thought were my strong points before I left I wouldn't have thought to include that. In fact, I think I might have thought that everyone could do that in the way I can - but I guess not. Perhaps that's why I've had so many problems in the world - I truly haven't realised that not everyone can feel/see what others are feeling. I can. But I also discovered that I was stronger than I realised - I thought I would be overwhelmed by others pain - and I was at times - but actually I could cope with it in the moment. I could comfort and reassure through pain and fear. I could see and read and guess fear. I used my knowledge to guess where others felt frightened and I was right. I have skills I never knew I had. And it may have been exhausting but it was good. I said many times that I didn't mind people crying and being fearful and sad - that I would just be there for them and that I wanted to try and make people feel better; or at least, not alone. I think I managed some of that. I think I'm finding where I need to be.

I'm not sure what that's going to translate into but it's a better feeling than I've had for a long time. What I think I felt to be a flawed aspect of my personality - caring what people thought and how they felt - being aware and frightened of sadness and fear and anger; well, I think I now realise that it's an asset. It's something that not everyone has to the same extent.

I just hope this isn't a flash in the pan. Yet another wild dream of a moment (Yes! I want to be a fighter pilot! - No, I'm kidding; I never wanted that. I'm too much the pacifist for that.)

I think I've also come home realising how much I want to be married and a mother. I've been fighting my mothering instinct for a long time and it's not necessary.
I'm quite frightened now I've written that - and I want to shout 'no! no, I don't! It's a lie!'. But that would be the lie. I run away from making decisions. I haven't seen enough of decision-making around me. I've watched a 10 year wait-and-see scenario and I've allowed that to teach me not to make choices. I don't know how I'm going to make some choices but I'm going to have to try.

The hand from hell - or Going to hell in a handbasket

Would you be interested to know what the length of referral time to the Lymphoedema specialist is?
You would?
Take a little guess.....

If you guessed 8 weeks then you win a prize! The prize of knowing you're so clever. Yes, 8 weeks minimum. Sadly I had to tell them that seeing the specialist 3 days before I get on the plane to Peru was *not* going to cut it. They have finagled me in to see the therapist this week, which is the more important bit as far as I can tell. I mean, my oncologist has told me it's lymphoedema; what's this guy going to tell me that I don't already know??

It hasn't been a good introduction (if such a thing exists) because having swollen up and then gone down and then blown up again, next thing is that last Thursday the knuckle on my middle finger did the whole red and hot thing and got an infection!! Yay!! Antibiotics here we come! It's looking much better now but I cannot for the life of me work out where the infection came from because I can't see any damage or cuts or anything on it.......still, I'm known for my track record of un-findable infections. They never definitively pinned down the site of the infection when I went neutropaenic.
So. I'll definitely have to be arm and hand sleeved up at least for flying to Peru and probably whilst there too because of the altitude. Although I'm hearing different things about whether that will be a problem or not. Some medical folk say it is, some say it isn't. Hmmm - who to believe? I'll also be carrying more lovely antibiotics, just in case.

I am just so busy at the moment; it's really quite stressful. I've been going around today in a little state of panic. I can't concentrate properly (hooray for chemo-brain!) and I keep starting things and not finishing them or getting distracted every five minutes. Not helpful for work - I sometimes feel like I just can't think properly anymore. It's like trying to grab something in the mist. You know there's something there and you have a vague notion of its' shape and possibly its' size but you can't see it clearly and can't get a handle on it properly.

I'm thinking that I want to change jobs, but I don't know what to. But, I was looking at a job application form today and realised that now; I have to think about what I'm going to put in the disability declaration fields. I think Lymphoedema can count as it's a long term condition that [can] significantly impair your ability to do ordinary daily tasks. Technically, in the U.K. anyway, I've been covered by the Disability Discrimination Act ever since I got cancer. This law means that my employer can't and couldn't discriminate against me, for example, by sacking me or by not allowing me to alter my working hours in order to be treated/recover. I'm also covered in the future too - an employer cannot decide not to employ me because I had cancer in the past, even if I don't have it at that time. This is an incredibly important law. But to be covered I have to disclose this fact to any future employer. Which means filling in those boxes that say 'I have a disability'. Which is pretty weird. because I don't think of myself as 'disabled' but perhaps, given the number of jar lids and bottle tops that I have to get other people to open for me and the number of shopping bags I have to get other people to carry for me, perhaps I am 'disabled'. And I don't like it. The self-sufficient 'me' can't get on board with that.

Llama stamp

Here is a Llama for your delectation. Can you tell I have Peru on my mind?
Amongst other things of course - like moving on Thursday. I'm excited, my poor other half is now exceedingly anxious....

We have them!

Tis done. We've selected and met and told our girls - you could probably hear the shrieks of joy from them whereever you are!
I am exhausted, they are exhausted - they were up until gone 11 last night doing activities and then they were hauled up again at 6am this morning. We were running activities until 11 last night, then we had to de-brief those sessions and touch base on today's activities so it was 12 by the time we were done, 1am by the time we got to bed and I dread to think what time it was by the time Sarah stopped talking..... Bless her, I love her dearly but she is a real night owl and I am easily led astray except I haven't got the sticking power or the stamina to cope the next day. So I am ready for my bed.....
They're a nice group - when I saw the list I was happy straight off with who we had on our trip. They'll all be at least 15 by the time we go and they've nearly all had some international experience before. So, that's reassuring for us - I swear, some of them have more experience than me!
I think they'll gel together as a group fantastically by the time we go and they'll be in floods at parting when we get back. It was so interesting to meet the international groups from this years trips on Saturday - they were so much more confident and grown up. You could just see the differences. Our girls will learn so much from it - I wish I wasn't so scared about it all.
Must sleep - have to work tomorrow!

Peru selection

Today, today, today....
Today is the day I meet the girls we're taking to Peru next summer.
I am running late, so if I'm not careful I'll miss the bus and then miss the train and then miss the start of the GAINING training.
So, t'ra - cross your fingers for a group of nice girls for me!!

Fear

In the summer I agreed to go as a leader on a trip to Peru - I was scared stiff by the idea but I thought that I needed to do something that scared me. Something daring, something to prove I could do things, to prove that cancer hadn't got the better of me.
Now I am starting to wish I hadn't agreed.
I am not getting less scared, I am getting more scared. I'm scared that something terrible will happen, that someone will get sick, that I'll get sick, that we'll all have travellers guts, that I'll screw it up and the consequences will be bad.
I am scared stiff and I just want to pull out.

I'm also scared that I've tempted fate - that cancer will rear its ugly head again because it knows that it'll screw up everything......

I'm scared: as ever
Because I'm scared of everything.