tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-154443482012-02-13T03:13:38.736ZTrawling through the mess and muddle of my head.Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comBlogger2691100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-86539087874094108402009-07-10T16:26:00.003+01:002009-07-10T16:42:31.588+01:00

Our dearest Emily passed away peacefully at home yesterday, Thursday 9 July, surrounded by her family. We are profoundly grateful for the time she had among us and everything that she shared with us. Her courage and fortitude in the face of adversity was an inspiration to other patients at the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead and to those she leaves behind. We give thanks for her life and for

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com34tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-2817989671529948342009-05-17T20:39:00.007+01:002009-05-17T22:50:28.095+01:00

Cancer - in cackling tones: "We're in your skull, trying to reach your bra-a-ins! Hahahaha!"Is what an MRI of my head shows. Which explains the numb patches on my face and in my mouth. Apparently it's squeezing in between the layers of the skull and trapping nerves.Soooooo, chemo is on hold while we do 5 or 10 doses of radiotherapy to try and fry it on the spot. I keep to meet the clinical

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-13928713830284889052009-05-05T19:03:00.004+01:002009-05-05T20:45:24.944+01:00

So far, I've been sick a lot, I've slept a lot and I have a white blood cell count of 0.65.That's the short version.Fentanyl. This is a controlled substance. An opiate pain-killer. You have to sign at the pharmacy in order to be given it. It's a patch that you stick on your skin and it gradually releases the drug over 3 days and then you stick on a new one. Goody. The Princess Oncologist

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-76201186326913352162009-04-15T18:17:00.002+01:002009-04-15T18:41:57.589+01:00

It's a relief really. I don't have to wait any longer. And I have felt this coming since the start of the year. Which is why I have been so quiet I think. I nearly posted one of my angst-ridden posts about waiting for test results but then I decided that I keep posting those and then stuff's ok-ish and I feel a fool.Anyway, the CT and the MRI were done a week and a half ago and I forebore

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-29364511408058235032009-04-02T21:09:00.003+01:002009-04-02T21:27:28.512+01:00

I'm so upset.I've had a lovely 10 days with my brother visiting me from the States and we did some fun and important stuff like spending a couple of days on Lindisfarne where we used to go on holidays as children.He flew home last night and I was so sad to see him go and apparently he got back having flown 7 and a half hours and his girlfriend picked him up at the airport at 9pm, dropped him off

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-49230591887762207222009-02-26T12:10:00.004Z2009-02-26T12:32:42.952Z

Hello - apparently I am a huge drama queen who should just stop whining.....I still entirely blame February.There will be a CT scan in the next month or so to check the state of the lungs. The Princess Oncologist was unimpressed with pain in the shoulder and didn't even want to look at it.The lymphoedema massage was painful.You know people sometimes refer to 'good' pain? Well, this wasn't that.

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-58184534975479192592009-02-23T23:01:00.002Z2009-02-23T23:06:57.742Z

I have this pain in my thigh. Sort of pokey. Very localised. About 6cm in diameter. It's worse at night, especially when I lie down. Goes on pretty much all night. And it makes me want to stab it with a very sharp, pointy knife.Probably on the basis that the new pain would detract from the original pain.The only thing that makes it go away is the Co-dydramol but when the rest of me isn't in

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-5323222002054912752009-02-22T22:22:00.004Z2009-02-22T22:42:46.215Z

Hello, it's February.It's always bad in February - see previous Februarys.Same thing - bit worse.I am mostly coping by putting my head down and forging towards March. There will be a slight hiccup on Wednesday because I can't ignore or avoid the Princess Oncologist. I am fearing bad news. I am always fearing bad news. But this time I think there are some nodes in my neck that weren't there

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-52891653373719668412009-02-06T22:00:00.003Z2009-02-06T22:15:30.228Z

This afternoon at the Haven I was putting my coat on to leave when I realised something was poking me in the side of my neck........it was an acupuncture needle that accidentally got left in......whoops.Today I had 2 needles in the tops of my feet, 2 in my lower legs, 1 on my inner left wrist, 1 in each shoulder, 2 around my collarbones, 1 either side of my nose and 1 on the top of my head.

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-61193022613785227312009-01-23T22:18:00.003Z2009-01-23T22:53:31.167Z

Isn't it interesting how, if you speak to the right person, suddenly things are possible.....I saw the Princess Oncologist last week for the results of the last CT scan. Bit odd. There are a couple of new nodes in the lung; but one is 1 millimetre and the other is 2 millimetres. So she was implying that she wasn't 100% sure they were *really* there?! But even if they are then they're so small

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-30314274660098558062009-01-15T00:11:00.002Z2009-01-15T00:14:04.759Z

Happy New Year - blah etc,Happy fucking leg cramp that won't go away.Happy new pain killers that are not making the leg cramp go away.Happy no sleep for me tonight, thanks.So, so, soso, so , so so tired of this all.

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-43470625914169402952008-12-20T19:04:00.003Z2008-12-20T19:18:13.571Z

To be clear - they did insure me in the end - as a 'goodwill gesture'; but probably won't do so again.I cried - no, I'll be honest, I bawled down the phone at them to the extent that I was barely intelligible while giving my credit card details. So much so that the woman who was dealing with me became so upset that someone else had to take over.I hate that crying that ends up with those

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-32055760388071128122008-12-19T14:03:00.004Z2008-12-19T15:22:26.322Z

Update:They'll insure me as a one-off as a gesture of goodwill this time but underwriting changes all the time and I can try them in the future but they may not insure me (i.e won't insure me). Because they're not set up for helping people with metastases just people who've had cancer but are better now.So there.And it's not because I have cancer it's because I'm going to the U.S.A. - except of

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-39215236926579802092008-12-09T13:10:00.004Z2008-12-09T13:35:26.061Z

Oh, I'm so glad I rang up the breast care nursing team - I got some very useful advice.....................Sorry, I was waiting for whomever that statement applies to to chime in and tell us all what the advice was - coz I could use some more!Sadly, when I rang yesterday I got the useless-[hmmm, let's not use her real name....let's call her.....Meringue! Yes! That will do!].. I rang and got The

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-56969355393020482062008-12-06T00:03:00.003Z2008-12-06T00:23:36.182Z

Cancer related things are kicking my butt at the moment.After months of jollying along, the big ol' sad has caught up with me again. Mostly because Arimidex is *hurting* at the moment. My lower back and hip joints *hurt*. Of the 'I'm uncomfortable standing, sitting and lying down' variety. Of the ibuprofen and paracetamol are not really cutting it pain-killing-wise at the moment. Of the '

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-47046532421156704122008-11-23T13:30:00.004Z2008-11-23T13:42:02.045Z

I have nearly recovered.From Oxford Street and its environs on a Saturday in late November.I managed not to kill anyone although the urge was strong.Too many people in not enough space equals me wanting to batter said people.And I had to deal with beads. About which I knew virtually nothing. I now know they're expensive. And that the shop I went to advertises things at different prices for

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-55527087524545076152008-11-21T22:42:00.002Z2008-11-21T22:50:46.668Z

I'm really tired this evening.I was late to bed last night and getting up for work this morning was hard. I really didn't want to go. It was OK once I was there and I seem to be getting back into the swing of the work fairly easily. I took my headphones in so I could listen to the radio whilst working which helped to stop be feeling a bit bored.Guides were giddy and unwilling to listen this

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-57809200273019995222008-11-20T22:53:00.002Z2008-11-20T23:05:58.204Z

I'm too hot and I'm too weighed down to say anything today.Blah and other assorted words.A head full of shoulds and oughts.Going nowhere.Weight.Weighing.Weighted.

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-54446137961014963312008-11-19T21:47:00.002Z2008-11-19T22:11:51.676Z

My brain just exploded. I just read the date 2016. The year, the date, 2016. Is it just me or does this look like a totally made up date? My brain can cope with 2012 - 2013 and beyond? Nope, doesn't exist.

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-24901673560833669642008-11-18T22:42:00.003Z2008-11-18T23:07:06.942Z

Dumbo here went and bought a bunch of yarn for Christmas knitting yesterday and misremembered the U.K. equivalent of worsted yarn. I know have an excess of DK rather than Aran.Moral of the story?Don't yarn shop on impulse when you accidentally pass a yarn selling shop. When will I learn to bloody well write down things and not rely on memory - which I know to be rubbish. I should have

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-82395200306028803522008-11-17T22:26:00.002Z2008-11-17T22:55:02.522Z

Red Velvet cake is *very* red......making it turned my fingers red.Plus it had the oddest icing I've ever had - which was a butter cream icing with the addition of some flour cooked in milk and then left to cool before being stirred into the butter cream. Tasted fine but had a slightly gelatinous texture and was shiny and not entirely smooth. Odd, not unpleasant, just odd.I do like to live

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-38657814412757348902008-11-14T22:52:00.008Z2008-11-14T23:17:13.054Z

Because it's now wintery and dark at early o'clock in the evening I'm starting to feel all gloomy. So a quick sally into the summers' photo collection is in order. Join me!A hot afternoon in YorkDressed up in my finery for a weddingA sunny evening by Campbeltown LochAn attack of the owlsThis is what happens when I get hold of the camera - we get artsy photographs looking at perspective and

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-73549582761731854392008-11-13T21:52:00.003Z2008-11-13T22:40:40.553Z

I have six pairs of waterproof trousers hanging up in my bathroom - still covered in mud. I cunningly attempted to have a bath this morning whilst still leaving them hanging up. It wasn't entirely a success since I ended up with several leaves in the bath with me...... Tomorrow I will tackle them with a scrubbing brush and the shower attachment.Of course, from my vantage point in the bath this

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-14488759479356207872008-11-12T21:37:00.002Z2008-11-12T22:51:27.441Z

I survived.The first day. Over. Done.Wasn't as bad as it could have been.And I got my desk back too - without having to ask. All that trauma for no reason! ::sigh:: Typical!I skulked in at 10am without being spotted and quite shamefully lurked in the journal stacks until I could get to the stairs without being spotted. As I stood there peering through the journals I thought how much more

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-70620124851645617522008-11-11T22:12:00.003Z2008-11-11T23:51:35.419Z

When I was around 16 or 17 I read Remarque's "All Quiet on the Western Front" and I think I can quite definitively say that that book shaped my feelings and opinions on war. I could say it moved me; I could say it horrified me but actually what it did was leave me huddled on the floor, crying and rocking saying "I didn't know; I didn't understand" - for several hours. I don't think I've ever

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-59123006206867322542008-11-10T22:30:00.002Z2008-11-10T22:46:18.561Z

It rained and rained and rained and rained today.So I didn't go out and celebrated my last day before going back to work by staying in my dressing gown until 2pm.And finished knitting a sock. Which fits perfectly. Excellent. Very pleasing to have got all the measurements correct. Plus my cast off cuff is an excellent tension and goes over the heel very easily but still stays up around the

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-46570771032699801792008-11-09T21:23:00.003Z2008-11-09T22:34:45.039Z

Posts for the last 2 days read something like the following:7/11/08Argh! Hit Morrisons 15 minutes before they close for ingredients for my guides cooking competition entry. It's midnight! I'm still printing out cooking competition judging forms. I still haven't decanted 2 litres of meths into smaller bottles for use tomorrow. Personal kit? What personal kit? What? *I* need wellies too?!

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-34082629223364267892008-11-06T22:03:00.003Z2008-11-06T23:03:08.240Z

It's raining again and I'm all of a confuddle as I try to count trangias and knives and wooden spoons and teatowels and a multitude of other thingsAnd write last minute letters to parents saying "wellies! Dear God, send your daughter in wellies!"I brought home 2 litres of meths today - it's amazing how noone bats an eye as you buy two litres of flammable liquid.....The Dear Other is coming to

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-4452346159151774582008-11-05T09:25:00.002Z2008-11-05T09:59:26.239Z

On waking up and checking the good ol' internets I have actually cried.With relief.I may have been born in the U.K., I may never have lived in the U.S.A. for any great length of time but I am American (and I'm British - I'm both). My mum worked hard as my brother and I were growing up to instil in us a sense of identity as Americans. And having that identity has not always been easy. I

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-29833898534953450072008-11-04T00:05:00.003Z2008-11-04T00:14:39.616Z

Ah crap.Crap crap crap.How did I miss this?Well, I know how I did - I'm just really angry that I had left such a big space since I last emailed her. Too slow. Too sporadic. I hate that I'm like that. I wish I'd leapt up and visited her as soon as we'd emailed. In my head I always hoped we'd meet in real life. I think I would have liked Dee a great deal in person; I liked her a great deal in

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-39196239770235311442008-11-03T23:03:00.003Z2008-11-03T23:19:41.328Z

Ow.Back.Hurts.I'd blame the hopeless chairs I had to sit on for 2 hours except it had started to ache a bit before then.....::sigh::Here we have my evening in poetic form:Creak, creak go the chairsThey are too small anywayRidiculous seats.Some meetings are dullPlus some people shouldn't speakYawning not allowedThe Body Haiku:I am sick of achesOne part after anotherPlease just go awayAlternatively

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-54944170924973120802008-11-02T19:55:00.011Z2008-11-02T21:28:13.729Z

Hello! And welcome to today's report on: Do I still have any eyebrows (or a place to live)?The good news is, yes! To both questions! I have cooked a meal, I have not blown up my house trying to light methylated spirits, I have not burnt myself or anything and I have neither poisoned myself with meths or in general (well, insofar as I can tell so far.)Here we have the story in full:Here is my

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-73356895698493164302008-11-01T08:31:00.004Z2008-11-01T21:07:46.214Z

It's that NaBloPoMo time of year again - my heart isn't in it this year so don't be surprised if I vanish midway through.....Eloquence feels like it's ebbing away. Along with my brain.Apparently I managed to go to Northampton without my Arimidex last weekend - but didn't notice that I hadn't been taking them for three days....in fact, I thought I *had* taken them at least once and then misplaced

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-77660405829253144052008-10-19T15:41:00.004+01:002008-10-19T15:45:35.871+01:00

Wah! Argh! Gnash!They've given my desk to someone else.At work.When I last went in they had a temp at my desk; now it obviously has the stuff of one of the other permanent members of staff.I cried and I still feel pretty damn sick about it. And I'm pissed off for caring about it so much; but I do.I snuck in today while there would be noone around - and there wasn't fortunately.Sniff.I wanted *my

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-16656109522976739512008-10-18T20:24:00.003+01:002008-10-18T22:25:16.690+01:00

I'm not proposing to read for 24 hours but I am going to take up Sarah's mini-challenge. To read for an hour in a language foreign to me. So, I am going to see how much, if any, of the German I learnt is still in the memory banks!!!Good old Projekt Gutenberg has provided me with a Sherlock Holmes translation: Das Diadem aus BeryllSo, I'll report back in an hour and let you know how I got on!

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-44646148448758339492008-10-12T13:07:00.005+01:002008-10-12T17:03:19.844+01:00

Hair is straight. Hair is flat. Hair was attacked by straightening, things - whadjacallems.It's still below my shoulders - so not *that* much was cut off it.It has layers - I didn't think I'd have layers, coz, you know - fluffy hair and layers means *pouff*.But actually, I think there will still be some curls when it *hasn't* been attacked by straightening things - and I won't be doing that

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-80935359878139555002008-10-10T22:04:00.005+01:002008-10-10T23:23:16.466+01:00

::sigh::I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. The last time I had it cut was in February 2005, a week before my first AC chemo treatment. It's been growing since the end of 2008. It looks like this now:And people keep saying how pretty it is, I shouldn't have it cut, etc, etc. Bit the truth is that I generally have it up 24 hours a day. I get too hot to have all that hair down my back -

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-49128686252836111932008-09-28T18:57:00.002+01:002008-09-28T21:19:50.721+01:00

To Cathy:Thanks for your email - I hope you get this is time to be of some help. You didn't leave me an email address so I'll do my best here on the blog for you.....First chemo:"What can I do for him/her that day? What should I be prepared for?"This is a good question - this is a *great* question. It's also a tricky question.We're all different, we all react differently, different chemo

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-46019345859623946002008-09-03T22:30:00.003+01:002008-09-03T22:59:46.196+01:00

Ba-blah blah blah.Hello.It's 'bye bye' to Xeloda from me and 'hello' to Arimidex as bad, naughty Xeloda has declared itself finished and allowed a wee bit of growth to the nodes in the lungs and lymph. Tut tut tut. But! Bone scan showed *mostly* stable/no big change. However an MRI has been ordered to check if the pain my shoulder is due to the cancer in my spine around my neck and/or the

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-53356761424645393442008-08-30T19:11:00.004+01:002008-08-30T21:57:37.717+01:00

I think I have Ikea-shoulder. You know, the condition that results from building too much Ikea furniture.... I've only been attaching the handles to the doors of the cupboards today - 9 of them, 18 screws and I Can Feel It In My Shoulder. Hopefully this endless assault by Ikea will be concluded soon and then maybe my shoulder will feel better. Maybe also, pigs will fly and I will discover that

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-56082634229030365282008-08-27T12:44:00.000+01:002008-08-27T17:10:35.045+01:00

Wow - I've actually been back for 2 weeks, but it feels like 2 minutes.....I had a *lovely* time. Firstly the wedding of an old friend in York's Hospitium - which is a fantastic building. She looked absolutely radiant - her smile was pure joy to see and her dress was gorgeous. I was reading - part of 'My True Love Hath My Heart' by Sir Philip Sidney - it was nice to be asked since I've felt

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-79668471153662116502008-08-06T14:02:00.003+01:002008-08-06T14:05:13.393+01:00

Heat replaced by rain - cooler; but soggier.This going on holiday lark is full of tricks.....There are 2 lovely donkeys in the field opposite us - I have fed them carrots.I have a horrendous cold - heuuurrrk, coff, coff, sniff.....

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-89969520007583407472008-07-26T22:33:00.002+01:002008-07-26T22:44:31.015+01:00

This holiday is temporarily interrupted by the desert from heaven.Peach and Apricot Charlotte with honey ice-creamYeah, you're thinking - it's a desert - sounds good.No no my friends, is *stupendously* delicious.The crust round the outside it crisp and not too sweet; the peaches and apricots are hot and mushily soft but a little tart in flavour; the ice-cream is sweet and smooth and cold; add

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-34012541794745709382008-07-21T18:22:00.003+01:002008-07-21T18:33:58.092+01:00

I was on the bus the other day and a girl went by me, talking on her mobile phone. She was obviously discussing an upcoming holiday judging by what she later said about suitcases. As she passed me I couldn't help but hear her say "well, it's my shoes I'm most worried about - I'm bringing all my diamante stilettos"And my brain, it boggled.My brain said "huh, I don't even own *one* pair of

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-9068006301257412942008-06-09T02:05:00.003+01:002008-06-09T02:49:08.618+01:00

Hot, I'm hot, and it's 2 in the morning and I'm tired, but I have that wakeful mind thing going on....not helpful. I hate it when I don't even know what I'm thinking *about*; or even what I'm trying *not* to think about. Something just doesn't feel right.Perhaps it's because I've yet another extra week off chemo - which I know I need for my stomach and rest-of digestive tract to recover - but

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-28325728104215655592008-06-06T18:35:00.002+01:002008-06-06T18:49:26.107+01:00

::sigh::I keep thinking - do I have anything left to say? Or anything that isn't the same thing again and again?It's taken me this amount of time to get to a point of saying how sad I am that Pocketina of DIYnotDie has taken down her site. I understand why she has; or at least I see reasons why she might do so. I think she needed to move on to a non-cancer part of life and her blog was tying

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-31232672791600559812008-05-30T08:55:00.003+01:002008-05-30T09:05:20.466+01:00

For the record, I'm sure I said "I love you all but I *have* to go finish scrubbing my carpet!" not 'want' - there was definitely no wanting being experienced whatsoever - apart from wanting to *go home*...... at any rate, that was what I intended to say -- sometimes the words coming out of my mouth are, um, not quite what I wanted to say! :)Have now slept muchly and, mostly, unpacked - I haven't

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-73403461588728161052008-05-28T12:15:00.003+01:002008-05-28T12:41:23.552+01:00

*Good* *Lord*I have survived - 4 days of brownie pack holiday, that is....There has been endless whining, falling in and out of friends, rain, brownies who cannot sit at the dinner table for more than 5 minutes, sayings of 'Be Quiet!'.I have also *scrubbed* a carpet, whilst seething and ignoring the fact I shouldn't be doing things like that with my right hand and arm (of which the hand is

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-34546445062736018582008-05-14T16:02:00.002+01:002008-05-14T16:08:20.350+01:00

Cancel doom - not required today.All is the same; no progression - Stable still.It's amazing how tiring it is to sit around waiting and take this stuff in.So, you may stand down from panic stations - for now. :)And sadly, I have to start taking tablets again on Saturday ::sigh::The extra week off has stymied all my holiday planning as well.We're having a week in Cornwall in September once the

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-79985535777518268182008-05-13T12:45:00.004+01:002008-05-13T13:14:48.919+01:00

Well, I don't seem to be able to shake the sense of doom about my CT results. After all this worry; I hope the results *are* back......I think. There's no room in my head for a 'good' result; I'm assuming the worst - just as a safety precaution really, I have nothing to base than on. Other than the fact my body can't handle as much of the Xeloda as it once could. Now perhaps that means I

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-71330169715088811572008-05-09T09:36:00.003+01:002008-05-09T10:56:59.990+01:00

Well now, thank you all for your comments on the dilemma of the previous post - it was *very* interesting to read what you had to say and I have to say, for the most part, your comments seem to echo the way I feel about identity and blogging - and that is that identifying yourself and giving others access to your details and your blog was something to be approached with caution. For safety

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-61095565082539807142008-04-24T22:22:00.003+01:002008-04-25T00:24:01.924+01:00

I am experiencing something of a dilemma and, it being a dilemma, I'm not sure what to do. So I'm asking you some questions.The story is thus:Last week I was contacted by a magazine belonging to a U.S. cancer organisation who asked if I would be willing to have one of my blogposts highlighted along with a little interview in their publication. I was flattered and possibly a little excited - it

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-3677223268112765992008-04-22T19:52:00.002+01:002008-04-22T20:05:41.090+01:00

Doh! Doh! Doh!I've buggered up my sock *twice* today, *twice* I tell you!First I overknitted the heels - 42 rows instead of *22* (I thought it was looking a *bit* odd....)And now knitting the gusset (*hate* that word - yak!) I've decreased every round instead of every other round.....this may be a lesson ina) read the instructions andb) follow the instructions once you've read them pleaseArghy,

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-70416073623395162008-04-20T18:33:00.003+01:002008-04-20T19:01:42.422+01:00

Quite a while ago I was asked to participate in a short documentary film about complementary therapy services offered at my hospital - the Royal Free Hampstead. I agreed, because, as you know, I usually have plenty to say. This was an interesting little film because it was actually made by a film student who was looking at using film in dance and movement and she was interested in the movement

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-83695059074697765812008-04-18T12:22:00.002+01:002008-04-18T12:47:29.745+01:00

I have an 'upper respiratory tract infection' according to The Princess Oncologist - but it didn't impress her.......I think you have to neutropaenic and have no white blood cell count before you can impress her. In other words, I have a cold and am whingey. Blah - my eyes do not want to be open but if I lie down then I can't really breathe - bummer. Wah!I'm also supposed to be making quiche

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-38888641789915381272008-04-08T15:42:00.003+01:002008-04-08T19:04:34.010+01:00

Hello.Me here.Still here.I really don't know what to say.There's not bad news, it's just the same old overwhelming sadness.And that crying thing where you lie on a bathroom floor and can't breathe through the sobbing.I saw old, good friends at the weekend. And I saw photos from my past and I just couldn't deal with it. Photographs of me with this bright smile of *real* contentment and happiness

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-73977316479949848242008-04-01T12:45:00.006+01:002008-04-01T13:07:32.971+01:00

What do you do when you're hyperventillating over lunch, and your hair?Seriously, I do not know what to do.Not eat lunch because it's simply too difficult to decide what to eat - when I don't want anything anyway and I'm just thinking about it because it's 'lunchtime' and I'll probably end up with another headache later if I don't eat. I'm not saying that I'm not hungry - I have no idea if I'm

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-39483445317930365552008-03-28T21:49:00.003Z2008-03-28T23:23:14.665Z

Apologies for the statelite-link pause in blogging - my laptop was in crisis and lost the ability to run on mains power or charge the battery. Whaaaa! I now have a laptop on loan (thank you!) and am waiting for a new one to materialise - well, be delivered. Soon. I hope. Hint hint delivery people.It was shocking how cut off I felt without you all!!! You were missed! :)I'm feeling quite

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-53595141572233831622008-03-16T22:26:00.003Z2008-03-16T23:01:30.994Z

Well, I've cheered up a bit - but that's not saying much since my inclination to get out of bed very much this weekend has been hovering around the nil part of the scale.But I have finished slating myself for the time being. You know, you say these things and it gets it out of your brain a bit. For a time, anyway.What would I say if were able to think something *positive* about myself?I'd be

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-67619377791980238912008-03-14T11:51:00.000Z2008-03-14T13:21:04.789Z

As per BlogHer:Dear Body,I don't really like you and I used to like you and it's not all down to that usurper: cancer.I used to revel in my body; it looked pretty fancy without much effort, it brought me pleasure, allowed me to feel good. The breasts came in a little early and I could have done without nasty people pinging my brand new brastraps. But perhaps it's good that they did because it

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-17313588979733630182008-03-11T20:35:00.003Z2008-03-11T21:30:03.736Z

I've been getting quite a few hits recently from people searching for 'first chemo treatment' - which is sad (for them, not me).Hi there if you've reached me by searching for that and I'm so sorry if it's information for *your* first chemo treatment; well, I'm also sorry if it's someone else's first chemo treatment. Either way, I can guess that you're having a tough time. (understatement, I know

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-79716738678067827182008-03-10T10:08:00.003Z2008-03-10T10:35:56.294Z

I was given a task, and I've been ignoring it - this seems to be key about me. I don't like feeling like I *have* to do something - even if it's something that I'd be happy to do.......contrary.I was challenged to write about how I feel about my secondary cancer - how I feel about the cancer itself, not so much about how I feel about having it.Both of which, to a degree, I feel like saying 'duh,

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-797308316674903632008-03-08T23:26:00.002Z2008-03-08T23:51:59.303Z

Hmm - grumpy old me this evening.My birthday blood test looked like this:Mother of all bruises - yes?In good news, the bone strengthening tablets have been approved, so no more Pamidronate drips and therefore only a bloodtest every 3 weeks - which up until now have been mostly uneventful. This was a deep vein and despite me pressing down on it for *ages* it still made this mess. I looked very

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-90964428986297176282008-03-05T15:03:00.002Z2008-03-06T09:28:39.999Z

Well, happy burp-day to me.My exciting birthday treat was a trip to the chemo clinic. My oncologist *did* sing happy birthday to me, which cheered me up and I had lots of hugs and birthday wishes from the nurses there and in the chemo-suite. My lymph-node is now granule-sized, if anything......I got a 'well' and a tick on my notes(!) It's feeling oddly like school.....So. I ought to be jolly

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-75619770203503917622008-02-28T20:27:00.002Z2008-02-28T20:42:05.106Z

An impression of my brain currently:Lalalalalalalalalala - ooh! Something shiny! Ooh! Something else shiny! Ooh! Something chocolate! Lalalalalalala! Why am I in here? - oooh, something shiny! Damn! Why didn't I do what I just went to do?! Oh, shiny! Grrrrr. - Please sirs, I want a brain transplant. - What! [consternation] Ungrateful girl! A brain transplant! I never heard the like! -

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-15870239188453984332008-02-28T20:16:00.002Z2008-02-28T20:23:55.766Z

Mental note to self:It's generally better to turn up at Sainsbury's with your wallet rather than just a stray £5 note in your purse. This will lead to less embarrassment at the tills when you can't pay and will also enable you to take home your shopping and not have wasted half an hour wandering round the supermarket.M-kay? Have we got it now? Have we realised that self is to be treated like a

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-19818942552660065992008-02-28T09:20:00.004Z2008-02-28T09:45:25.022Z

Stuff to do!! I've got stuff to do!Am I doing it?No!Hahaha!Why?Dunno.It would mean actually getting dressed and not sitting here at the computer.....and you would miss me. (that was an instruction btw)Tomorrow is the leap year day - hmmmm, what shall I do? It's a bonus day - one ought to do something super surely......but no, I shall be having my pamidronate drip and Zoladex injection and

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-63084656400769575802008-02-27T16:37:00.005Z2008-02-27T18:13:18.353Z

So, apparently you're not going to let me have the 'Idiot Grrrl' t-shirt....you're *no* fun. Can I have one that says 'Sometime Idiot Grrrl'? No? You're obviously all too nice to me! Thank you. :)My papa bought me some flowers to cheer me up (I should have taken the picture of them when they were at their zenith - I failed to do so - but I still think they look pretty):Papa's are pretty great

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-66805719796674228522008-02-27T01:37:00.003Z2008-02-27T01:47:13.487Z

Scary,I woke up half an hour ago to feel like the room was shaking. I've just spent the last half hour trying to convince myself I had had some strange dream but I couldn't get back to sleep and in the end went downstairs to check the Beeb. And, yes, an earth tremor has happened in Birmingham. But I'm not in Birmingham - I'm London, about 100 miles away.....This from the girl who didn't notice

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-65216961732557908922008-02-19T16:49:00.003Z2008-02-19T17:32:35.813Z

The Idiot-Girl strikes again.I am so stupid sometimes.Sometimes, I think that it's no wonder I have cancer, why should someone who makes idiotic mistakes be here. Natural selection and all that.Yes, I'm over-reacting and being hysterical and shortly I shall calm down, remind myself that I am not perfect, I have not caused the world to explode in flames and forgive myself somewhat.But in the

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-87046009596013502402008-02-13T16:04:00.003Z2008-02-13T20:04:22.594Z

Thank you for all the hugs and sympathy - they're all appreciated very much. Thank you particularly to the person who elected to remain anonymous - I felt that you had some very wise things to say and an attitude that I would do well to even emulate a little of. You seem to be achieving a state of mind that I haven't found my way to yet but it's something to ponder and I thank you. I hope you

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-43270131762153072742008-02-07T12:30:00.000Z2008-02-07T12:43:26.535Z

I was asked recently: how do I find hope? Some days, to be honest, I simply don't. Some days I simply feel done over by life and that I'm not prepared to hope because I tried that after my first round of treatment and got kicked in shins when it came back. It was totally devastating because I'd started to believe that maybe I would be one of the people who came out the other side. I suppose in

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-22044576409657061252008-02-05T09:19:00.000Z2008-02-05T09:32:20.444Z

Blogger is pleased to announce to me this morning that I can now blog in Persian.....I think they've endowed me with some magical language learning since I do not know any Persian, or Hebrew, or whatever the 3rd option I've forgotten is......So, sadly, this blog will not be brought to you in Persian, or by the letter P or by the number 4, you'll have to read it in boring old anglais (ha! caught

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-9072375008210081692008-02-01T15:07:00.000Z2008-02-01T15:25:20.311Z

Am duly poked with needles. It did go in first time; but we're down to the deep veins, so it hurt :( ::snuffle:: Nah, I didn't really snuffle, but not so fun. However it's obviously one of the veins that they've been tapping into further up in the crook of my elbow; so it really started to ache - what with it being hardened up or gone thready or whatever. Fingers crossed for moving onto the

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-87340368886243086472008-01-31T10:16:00.000Z2008-01-31T10:19:54.686Z

Well, I hope some of you are cackling out loud, I certainly was this morning when I looked at my blog and realised that instead of updating the widget for my chemo countdown, I had instead managed to insert something titled 'time until next solar eclipse', or something......which I'm fairly certain is *not* in a week's time (I could be wrong here though)!The lesson being, don't try to update

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-68044334604680112792008-01-30T21:25:00.000Z2008-01-30T21:44:34.222Z

I've been having a bit of a funny week.Earlier in the week I felt like I was almost having panic attacks. I was really tired and wanted to have a nap but I could hear my pulse pounding in my ears and I felt like I had indigestion almost, but I didn't really. So I couldn't sleep, even after I'd had one and a half Lorazepam. They're supposed to be muscle relaxants but I really didn't feel like I

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-81565346306386238802008-01-24T08:58:00.001Z2008-01-24T09:12:37.959Z

You know how you pysch yourself up to go to the hospital; so you don't turn into a raving, panicking lunatic when you get there......part of what keeps me out of my tree is knowing the people. So when you suddenly have to see one of the Juniors in the Onc Clinic instead of Mme. you suddenly get all into the 'man-the-lifeboats' phase. In case you don't see where we're going with this one - this

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-54863072913123406762008-01-22T20:29:00.001Z2008-01-22T20:59:46.994Z

So, the vein that had hardened up has now gone thready and the one that was still working has hardened up now......there's one left on the inside of my elbow and then we're into the deeper ones in my forearm. Ick, is all I have to say. Ick, ick, ick. I don't think I'm going to be real happy about digging for the deeper ones. I don't want to be a wimp, but I hate them looking for veins

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-22173243023646659152008-01-16T10:05:00.000Z2008-01-16T10:25:18.619Z

Last night I received an email from a girl I know - a not long turned 18 year old girl.She's had a shed-load of grief in her life with the death of a younger sibling in an accident she was also injured in. She's had family problems as her parents have struggled with each other. And she ended up with a boyfriend who was violent with her - all this before 18.But she got wise, she recognised she

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-36982773780078710902008-01-07T10:51:00.000Z2008-01-07T12:59:17.122Z

St Trinian's was fun; the twins were entertaining - the whole thing was entertaining. I mean, obviously it's not going to be the next earth-shattering film; but I was diverted and didn't start thinking 'when does this finish?', and that's always a good sign! T'was also nice to grab a bite to eat with a friend and watch a film where we both seemed to laugh at the same bits - always a pleasure,

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-68024993909341016612008-01-03T18:00:00.000Z2008-01-03T18:17:22.176Z

Clinic day yesterday - I've had an extra week off between cycles because of Christmas; I should have been there on Boxing Day, but since no-one else was going to be there I took the chance to have a 2 week break in Boston. Which was nice - but now I'm back. Blah.So, at one point I lost my dad and thought I was going to have to go into the consultation on my own - which I've never done yet and

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-58868116329734387782008-01-02T21:50:00.000Z2008-01-02T22:22:11.101Z

Well, I finally took heart in hands and laid into Pocketina's yarn.She said to me that it wasn't much so not to start on a big project. So, I decided to make a mini moebius neck warmer - no pattern - just a rectangle twisted and sewn. I used moss stitch - that's seed stitch to the Americans out there (I think).The beginning was hilarious - because I couldn't work out how to get into the darn

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-17884591518062759722008-01-02T08:02:00.001Z2008-01-02T08:03:35.639Z

Um, yeah, Happy New Year and all that.I'm not quite sure how I categorise a Happy New Year - so, er, here's to living another year! (Imagine me lifting a glass at this point.)

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-37498329129404967822007-12-25T16:53:00.000Z2007-12-25T17:18:38.803Z

Happy Christmas y'all! - well, those of you who celebrate it.Happy ordinary December 25th to the rest of you!I've celebrated this morning with an unhappy digestive system - no turkey for me today, I think...... :( I just hope I can manage to stuff myself with stuffing - which, let's face it, is the only reason for having turkey to begin with! I love me some stuffing...... ::sigh::Today, Xeloda, I

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-62945002264196437992007-12-21T17:54:00.001Z2007-12-21T18:02:14.276Z

Remember what I mentioned about the cat and the tree??Well, tree met floor with resounding crash yesterday evening as the cat tried dabbling in the water at the bottom (at least that's the theory). So, some smashed ornaments, water all over the floor, sodden rug and us trying to screw the tree into the floor at 8pm.And now he's just knocked the watering can over - more water all over the

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-44916108977972394482007-12-20T17:09:00.000Z2007-12-20T17:41:49.862Z

Whee! Short interlude for sitting on a plane with lots of turbulence and dodgy intestinal tract - yay! Recipe for a fun trip! But I did make it to the other side of the pond and I've only got 3 more doses of Xeloda before Christmas - hopefully it'll all calm down by then. I have my onc's permission to knock off one of the small tablets on each dose if my skin gets too bad but it hasn't really

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-14785564996718533782007-12-13T18:33:00.000Z2007-12-13T20:11:33.688Z

::Sigh::Where did I go? I guess December has gotten the better of me.What have I been up to?Well, I had my appointment at the Royal London Homoeopathic Hospital with Dr. Kassab - who was very nice. Her office was filled with plants which was nice - green and leafy. She was very kind and it was so fantastic to talk to someone who really acknowledged how much of a problem the hot flushes are -

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-39546271045146473702007-12-03T15:15:00.000Z2007-12-03T15:34:20.206Z

Wow - the whole lack of NaBloPoMo meant that I could have my party yesterday and not have to blog about it on the same day whilst collapsing in a heap of tiredness......It's great!!It did go with a bang rather than a whimper, which is always gratifying. The mulled wine went down very nicely - no-one ate enough cake or mincepies: how can this be? I am at a loss to understand this issue.We did

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-38618359728778789232007-12-01T14:22:00.000Z2007-12-01T15:13:49.078Z

Well, it's bakety, bakety bake here today....tomorrow is our Christmas Drink part-ay. Why, yes, that is quite early but I'm having fancy afternoon tea at Browns next Saturday. Which is jolly exciting if you spent lots of your early years reading Agatha Christie (like me) - Browns is where, and what she based 'At Bertrams Hotel' on. And the weekend after - I am,...doing nothing actually. But

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-51486134948521003142007-11-30T13:06:00.001Z2007-11-30T13:17:41.561Z

Welcome to the end of NaBloPoMo. I made it, you made it reading along. Done and dusted.Now I can think about Christmas - nearly - tomorrow I can.Last year I thought that having done a month I'd be much better at posting regularly - it didn't really work out that way. I admit I was somewhat distracted by the whole 'going to Peru' thing; so maybe this year it *will* make a difference.Watch this

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-61135216442134443672007-11-29T18:31:00.000Z2007-11-29T18:49:34.966Z

At some point I may have to admit to myself that I've been depressed for most of my life.Because I think doing that might mean that I could stop feeling like I'm just not trying hard enough to be happy. That maybe it's not my fault. That maybe this is something that I've inherited along with the family silver. Or not, who knows.I think that I have always felt at odds with the rest of the world

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-64723266478795613652007-11-28T16:22:00.000Z2007-11-28T16:51:01.885Z

Well, the Xeloda is starting to have a few more side-effects now.The skin on my right thumb and forefinger has gone all shiny and is peeling all over the place. It's looking like I'll have no fingerprints on them (Quick! Rush out and commit crimes! They'll never catch me! - I'm kidding, right?)The skin on the soles of my feet is quite tender now and will blister and peel if I even *look* at

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-87652317757335640992007-11-27T17:23:00.000Z2007-11-27T23:08:30.525Z

Why is it that everything I'm truly interested in has signs on like this??Home again, home again. I'm on the plane back to slightly-warmer London.Capecitabine/Xeloda is making the skin on my fingers all peely. It's annoying. Welcome to the world of the banal. Lalalalallaala.Tomorrow, we return with jetlag.......

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-32453347998957733602007-11-26T17:00:00.000Z2007-11-26T17:22:36.750Z

Well, here is what my day looks like today.....damp, but pretty.

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-49110544140412397802007-11-25T19:27:00.001Z2007-11-25T19:54:40.379Z

After a couple of nights sleeping pretty well I was back to the not being able to sleep thing.I think I was just feeling a bit down yesterday - we had dinner with my great-aunt and I felt a bit on display. You know, the kind of having to prove that you're doing OK. Regardless. Because I don't want her to know that I'm not. Or something. I don't know.Then I was watching the DVD footage from

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-65119947260961692492007-11-24T19:23:00.000Z2007-11-24T19:35:51.549Z

I've been finding myself feeling a bit panic-y whilst I've been here. I keep seeing photos of myself - graduation photos, baby photos etc and I think it makes me realise that I will be missed when I'm no longer here. And that makes me feel terrible. It makes me feel so guilty that I will cause people to mourn; to feel so terribly sad. Perhaps that seems odd - perhaps it seems a bit big-headed

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-6924431854949795582007-11-23T18:08:00.000Z2007-11-23T18:09:52.965Z

We cheated - we had chicken.....which was fine by me.Now I must go and eat more and then go to the New Balance Factory Store - because I'm all about the bargains. More later if I'm available. For some reason my brothers all wanting to spend time with me ;) Yay!

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-57721089652050671442007-11-22T16:41:00.000Z2007-11-22T16:52:22.250Z

Well, what a farce that flight turned out to be!!! Like something from M. Hulot's Holiday.First the flight was going from Gate 20 - then it disappeared from the departure screens entirely; then we got all the way to Gate 20 only to be told that the crew were delayed by a traffic accident in London and we had to return to the departure lounge and wait for a new gate and departure time EXCEPT we

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-64938875669060947252007-11-21T12:07:00.000Z2007-11-21T12:18:32.738Z

This post is a rush today since I'm trying to get sorted for the 'off'. So I'm leaving you with pre-season Christmas photos - my cake (which is gradually being pickled in brandy) and the mince-pies that 'worked' (i.e. the ones I didn't scoff because the puff pastry over-puffed and ejected the mincemeat onto the baking sheet.....)Salivate at will......I know there'll be types out there that say '

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-2393200983740361632007-11-20T11:04:00.000Z2007-11-20T11:20:43.132Z

I'm losing track of the days of the week - I was convinced today was Monday - it's not, by the way. This not working thing makes life very confusing. I can't quite believe that I'm flying to the States tomorrow evening - especially since in my dismal moments I'd been convinced that I'd never see the place again (or get clawed by the cat again).And now I've just noticed I've scratched myself on

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1